Original printed byline: Hawkeye Z. Hoerr
Historical September–October 2013 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
The mosquitos are upon us. I’m covered with so many bites that I feel like a sausage. Yep, it’s mosquito season with a big M. Come to think of it, though, that’s backwards.
I mean, it’s not as if we’re hunting the mosquitos. No, they’re hunting us! It’s really human season. Listen carefully and you can hear the buzz. I’m an evolutionist.
I don’t have a Darwin bumper sticker, but I understand evolution and see how it got us where we are.
According to the American Museum of Natural History website (www.amnh.org), humans and chimpanzees share 98.8% DNA. That not only explains the behaviors of some of the people I know, it illustrates how we got here from there. Darwin never uttered the phrase “survival of the fittest,” but it is apt nonetheless. Those living entities with traits that made it more likely to survive, well, they survived; having survived, they passed on those traits which allowed them to survive. Rightwing pastors, I’m sorry, but this is not rocket science.
In fact, it’s just common sense.
But where do the mosquitos come in this equation? How in the world could evolution have accounted for the mosquito???
I mean, why would a mosquito be here in the first place? Other than being something which birds eat and other than slowing down the building of the Panama Canal, what possible use is there for a mosquito? Shhh, was that a buzz?
But that’s beside the point. Like it or not — SMACK, I missed it — mosquitos are here. They’re more than here; they’re on me, myself, and I. It’s buzz X3.
It turns out that mosquitos aren’t attracted equally to everyone.
In a given room – better, in a given garden party – mosquitos bite persons A, B, and C, while practically ignoring D, E, and F. Why is that, inquiring minds want to know. Well, dear reader, relax, Dr. Hawkeye has done a bit of research, and he, I mean, I, can explain. Just as I favor a chocolate chip concrete at Ted Drewe’s while you prefer a strawberry cucumber or a vanilla booger, mosquitos have different tastes too. Actually, they have different smellers. You see, despite the fact that you’ve never seen one wearing glasses, mosquitos have terrible eyesight.
They can barely see past the end of their proboscis.
A mosquito couldn’t see to differentiate Mary from Marianne, but neither can I. It’s a good thing that stop signs are in the shapes of octagons.
If I had had to wait until I could read the word STOP, I’d be sailing through those intersections.
But mosquitos use their sense of smell to identify a target and – SMACK, missed it again – go after it.
In determining the mosquito’s motivation, scientists have discovered four factors which attract mosquitoes.
This explains why Sam and Samantha get bitten but Henry and Henrietta do not. None will surprise you, I am sure.
First, mosquitos are attracted to odors. Smells yell “Hey, here’s some flesh. Come bite me!” Mosquitoes particularly like perfume. Jungle Gardena, not surprisingly, is a favorite flavor, but Old Spice rates high too. Other smells ring the M-bell too: smells of vomit, feces, and beans & bacon score high.
Now you know why your mom wanted you to take regular showers. Rinse, man, rinse. Second, mosquitoes are attracted to sweets. You thought you were being clever when you used diluted Hershey syrup to get your hair to lay flat, right? Wrong. Even though you diluted it, the chocolate grabbed the M-bug.
They also like coconut, bubble-gum, and Tanqueray. Third, mosquitoes are attracted to Democrats.
I must tell you, dear reader, this one puzzled me. At first, I didn’t understand it at all.
We vote behind a curtain so who knows? OK, bumper stickers might be a good signal but we’ve established that mosquitoes have terrible eyesight, plus they can’t read. So how can mosquitoes know which politicians are out to make the country better versus which are simply trying to help their fellow fat cats? Beats me!
But there’s no doubt that Democrats are bitten far more often than Republicans. And then it came to me. Mosquitoes are attracted to IQ.
Now Hawkeye would never be so crass as to suggest that Democrats are smarter than Republicans. Not me! Heaven forbid.
I mean, you’d never catch me saying that Barack Obama is smarter than George Bush.
However, I will say that if Barack and George are in the room, Obama gets bitten and Bush doesn’t. Oh well. So we know that mosquitoes are attracted to smells, sweets, and Dems.
On the off-chance that you’re a sweet and smelly Democrat, watch out. No doubt Mr. and Mrs. M are gunning for you already. Hear that buzz?
There are more mosquitoes than people, trees, and cable channels combined; you can’t run and you can’t hide. So what to do?
As a public service, Hawkeye offers three strategies for avoiding the bite of mosquitoes.
These are guaranteed to keep your skin unbroken. 1. Move to the arctic.
There are no mosquitoes beyond the 86th latitude. So whether your go north or south, 86 degrees latitude and above offers a mosquito-free environment. You can walk around in your swimming suit and never, ever worry about getting bit. How’s that for a deal. (Of course, you may well freeze to death, but that’s a column for another month.) 2. Live in front of an oscillating or under a ceiling fan. You see, despite their punch — SMACK, I think I got that one! — mosquitoes don’t weigh much at all.
They weigh like, less than a piece of an ounce (that’s a technical term) and are constantly being Jimmy Buffeted by winds. So whenever there’s a breeze, mosquitoes can’t fly, and definitely cannot land to nail you. Thus if you keep the breeze on you, if you remain the cynosure, if you’re clothes are flapping and your hair is a-blowing, you’re one safe puppy. 3. Stay underwater. Sure, there are sharks and stingrays, not to mention piranha, electric eels, nuclear submarines, whirlpools, killer whales, and paranoid mermaids, but there ain’t no mosquitoes under the surface. So take a deep breath and submerge. You’ll be mosquito free forever (or at least until you have to come up for air). Note that I did not suggest that you become a Republican. Sure, that would protect you from the bite of the mosquito, but think about it: Rather than voting Repub, wouldn’t you rather live in the Arctic, submerged, with winds blowing on you? ________________ Readers: I need your help! I’ve been thinking about the past and the future, and I keep wondering what has changed the most.
A future column will be dedicated to “If Washington, Franklin, and Jefferson returned to life today, what would surprise them the most?” I’d love your thoughts on this.
Please email Hawkeye at trhoerr@ AOL.com.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, September–October 2013.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2013_09.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
