Original printed byline: Hawkeye Z. Hoerr
Historical September–October 2012 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
You deserve it, and you know it. Don’t deny or be coy, and don’t look to the next person. It’s you, to whom I am referring, not your neighbor. Sure, it wasn’t as striking as thunderbolts pirouetting from heaven or the Earth being torn asunder, but the summer’s crazy heat accomplished the purpose just the same. Yep, it was part of our punishment for a society of sin, avarice, corruption, and not eating enough vegetables. Do you feel guilty yet? Don’t go left-wing on me and blame the screwy climate changes on our behaviors.
This global warming stuff is just a ruse. Didn’t the venerable President Reagan point out that cows contribute more methane gas to the atmosphere than automobiles?
All those fancy scientists cringed when he said that because they knew he was on to something.
The reality is that the Earth warms and cools; temperatures go up and down. That’s why we have the word “average.” The same people who deny the role of cows in heating the atmosphere are those who deny the effectiveness of the “trickle down” economic theory. Go figure!
Now I’ll grant you, this summer was quite a doozie.
We set a record for triple-degree temperature days. That’s like setting a record for how many times you can drop the groceries from the car to the door. It’s a record we can do without. (The fact that the Cardinals still filled the stadium on these horribly hot days speaks to the fact that alcohol numbs and that cold alcohol numbs better.) So the increased heat is a reality. Global-warming, mobile farming, bubble-wrap; don’t confuse a correlation with a causation. Sure there are more cars on the road in the past, hundreds of thousands when you consider what’s happening in India and China, but that doesn’t necessarily lead to increased temperatures.
After all, most of them have the air-conditioning turned on in the summer, so they are actually generating more cool air. Instead, and yes, this is the truth we all want to avoid, these high temps are the first step in the road to Rapture; that’s Rapture with a capital R. Drum-roll and kaboom! Rapture, you’ll metaphorically recall, is when the clock of humanity strikes twelve. It’s when the clouds open and that grand metaphysical being, whomever or whatever you think she is, comes to take some of us with her to the great beyond.
The Rapture will be so big that both CNN and FOX will cover it live.
My hunch (and, contrary to what you might believe, I have no inside knowledge here) is that the musical backdrop will be The Stones singing You Can’t Always Get What You Want. Because this will be a novel experience, we’ll need a master of ceremonies, someone who can give us the live feed. THE big guy wouldn’t do that; it’s far too commercial. Rumors suggest (and, again, please know that I do not have inside knowledge, despite the network of sources) that the M.C. will be Richard Dreyfus, Tom Cruise, or Oprah. Between us, my money is on the big O. (If it turns out that Tommy Cruise does the greetings, your Scientology book is going to be worth a lot more money!) So that rapture thing is around the corner, and the summer temps – Can you believe that it was over 90 in Vermont?
The bears were wearing tank-tops! – are the first of several punishments sent our way along the way. Shortly, I expect to see waves of locusts descending on us.
They were big in the Bible, and their time is due again.
An earthquake or three will follow, no doubt we’ll soon refer to San Francisco Island, and there will be enough tornados to give Dorothy more frequent flier miles than Alec Baldwin.
But that’s not all. Yes, you’ve been THAT bad.
We all have! Strap on your helmet, and hang on for a wild ride.
But wild is changing. It’s time to modernize the plagues and pestilence a bit. We’ll still be tested, we’ll still endure hell on Earth, but it will be more subtle than in the past. No one will be turned to a pillar of salt, and Sodom and Gomorrah won’t be destroyed (mainly because they didn’t get built due to the recession). So now what?
The Almighty has become much cleverer in his very old age. (That is, after all, why he’s the Almighty.) For example, you know those robocalls you get, the automated phone messages that interrupt your day to promote this or that candidate or to offer low mortgage rates or sell you insurance? Well, they’re not going to stop! Worse, technology will allow them to leap-frog over your no-call list, and even change the number on your screen. You’ll think that it’s Aunt Martha calling, and answer and chat, only to find that you’ve now committed to new gutters. And then the phone will ring again and again. Similarly, why do you think there are such incredible automobile backups on Skinker Boulevard each day? Has it occurred to you that there’s no more traffic and no fewer lanes? Yes, the old guy in the gray beard with the lightning bolt in his hand has struck again. Skinker is just the beginning. Soon, there will be traffic jams everywhere as people seek new routes to avoid the millions of locusts jamming the highways. Perhaps most nefarious, what about television? Here, too, the old sage has meted his punishment, particularly to those of us living in the land of the free that we stole from Native Americans. We’re being punished but we don’t even know it.
After all, get this, the average American leads the world by watching 28 hours of television per week. Gasp. What could be more mind-numbing than 28 hours of boob tube per week? And why would anyone want to watch a reality show about locusts??? So there you have it, fine reader.
The summer temps are part of our punishment, a multiyear conflagration that will see us plagued by searing temperatures, locusts, tornados, earthquakes, robo-calls, and television. Actually, there’s a lot more on the way but I’m not privileged to share it.
The only hint that I can offer is that it has to do with sun-tan lotion and barbecue sauce. Is there, par chance, a way to avoid this future Armageddon? Is there anything we can to do keep the locusts at bay and enable the Earth to hold together? Sure, that’s easy: eat right, work out, call your mother, and vote Democratic.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, September–October 2012.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2012_09.pdf, printed page(s) 12; PDF page(s) 12.
