Original printed byline: Hawkeye Z. Hoerr
Historical September–October 2011 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Seriously, this is a serious column this month. Oh, I know, occasionally you may not be able to tell whether my column is serious. Whereas I generally think that I’m being pretty funny, my loyal readers often may be thinking “I don’t get it. What’s he talking about?” And you can then imagine the comments of my non-loyal readers!
If a joke is carved on a tree which falls in the forest and no one laughs, is it really a joke?
This month’s column is different.
I write with gravity because I’m writing about a very serious topic: wine. No, not whine; wine! Get your glass and light up your cigar. I’m going to offer a mini-education on the grape. You see, I’d like to consider myself a wine connoisseur. Of course, I’m probably not one because I can’t even spell it (thank you, dictionary. com). Anyway, I drink quite a bit of wine, and generally all I know is that it tastes good. I’m often not sure what I’m drinking or why it takes good, but that’s not a problem. Here’s to you!
But I’ve decided to change all that and to become a student of wine.
I mean, I know about the other important things in life – God, chess, the NFL, and the Tea Party – so why not wine?
As much wine as I consume, I should be more knowledgeable.
As part of my need for continuing education credits, I enrolled in a wine class.
To be fair, it was a onenighter; still, it was a wine class.
There were teachers, a Power Point lecture, and I even took notes.
The instructors explained why red wine is red and why white wine is white. I’ve forgotten the details but it has something to do with color.
They told us about the difference between oak chardonnay and non-oak; yep, it has something to do with oak.
A wine that has been sealed in an oak container will, insert drum roll, have a presence of oak. Go figure! Anyway – and please remember, this is serious – at the end of the class they handed out a Wine Glossary sheet; “Tasting Terms” they called it. Honest. Two-sided, it has 37 words and their definitions. Thirty-seven!
It looked like an SAT prep sheet.
As I began to read the terms, however, I began to smile and then laugh. Are they serious? Yes, they are.
These are, I was told, REAL wine terms. They’re spoken in fine restaurants and wine stores; consider them part of wine-speak. Talk about being out of it, I felt more like a heathen than when I go to church!
This is a foreign language. Or is my naivete just due to my south St. Louis upbringing?
I couldn’t help wondering how many of these terms are known to the more sophisticated masses. I’m not surprised that I was clueless, but what about you?
If you’re reading this fine column, clearly you have more taste than I do. So, dear reader, I’ve prepared a little test. Below you’ll find ten wine tasting terms and their definitions, but there’s a catch: I’ve made-up half of them. Yep, five of the ten terms are real, legitimate, valid, true, and honest — they come from the sheet given to me at my wine class.
They are words that you’d hear at a premium bar in St. Louis or on any street corner in France.
But the other five terms and definitions are total fabrications. Your task, oh savvy reader, is to decide which terms are real. Which are the real wine terms versus what is just Hawkeye jargon? Inquiring and tipsy minds want to know!
The answers appear at the end of the column. Directions: Please put a T (true and tasty) by the real wine terms and an F (false and fabricated) by those which I’ve made up. 1. Aloof – A wine that is very dry, not compelling. 2. Clean – A wine that is technically irreproachable but not very demanding. 3. Deviled-egg – A wine that has gone bad and isn’t drinkable. 4. Fleshy – Description of particularly lush, fruity, wines. 5. Jammy – Indicates particularly lush, red fruit flavors. 6. Legs – Refers to the syrupy streaks that run down the glass after the wine has been swirled. 7. Marimba – Wine so good that you think your phone is ringing. 8. Patton – A very strong wine that makes you want to salute. 9. Steely – Very dry, and not at all fruity. 10. Wobbly – What you are at the end of wine class. OK, it’s time for the answers.
The true wine terms were b, d, e, f, and i.
The phony words were a, c, g, h, and j.
If you got nine or ten right, cheers to you! Clearly you spend more time with the grape than is healthy.
If you got six to eight correct, you need to try a little harder so consider having wine with breakfast, not just for lunch and dinner. And if you got less than six correct, I’ll see you in class. Cheers!
Now if only I could find a class on Hostess Cupcakes.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, September–October 2011.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Archival transcription note: Quiz items numbered 1–10 but answer key uses a–j; original answer scheme retained.
Original source: SD_Times2011_09.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
