Original printed byline: Hawkeye Z. Hoerr
Historical November–December 2009 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
“Look, that young girl is pushing the older lady off the rolling log and into the water! And over there, behind the guy in a tuxedo, is a vat of 1,000 roaches about to be tipped into the river where the lady will land! Ha!
But it’s getting better because the catapult was triggered and now the young girl is being hoisted to the top of the ramp by her ankle. Check it out: She’s going be dropped down a water chute where she’ll land in a vat of sour milk.
Her partner, the muscular guy in the fish-net jersey who’s wearing a helmet, can save her but my guess is he ignores her so he can open Secret Door #2 and see if he has a take-home prize! God, this is exciting – what fun!” No, that wasn’t a closed-doors U.S. senate subcommittee meeting on health care, it was a segment of a reality tv show, “The Big Kahuna.” I’ll talk to you during the commercial – it seems that there is always a commercial – because I don’t want to miss an exciting moment. Reality television shows are a big thing. Why be lured into a fantasy plot or enter a dream world when you can see – touch, it seems – the baser and lower instincts of person after person? Whether it’s “Survivor,” “American Idol,” “Fear Factor,” “The Amazing Race,” “Eat Another Baloney Sandwich,” “Dancing with the Stars,” or “Mission Improbable,” or “Star Search,” the participants never fail us by never failing to fail us. Avarice, deception, prevarication, misogyny, live roaches, and chocolate all come together to enthrall us. “Hill Street Blues,” “E.R.,” “L.A. Law,” and “Lassie” simply cannot compare. (OK, Lassie comes close. Arf!) And then there’s Susan Boyle, the star of “Britain’s Got Talent.” How can we not like, not identify with, someone who has so much raw talent and yet, um, and yet, er, how to say this, but someone who isn’t as photogenic as the norm?
I mean, her looks shouldn’t matter; she won for her singing and she can really suspender a tune. Perhaps the fact that we are so astounded by her success is the best evidence of how superficial we’ve become. (If you doubt this, watch the weather portion of your local news. Indeed, just watch the local news! Why should the news readers all look as if they have come from a Lands End catalogue?) Speaking of reality tv, if you’re into the game shows and live heartache, you must be a fan of “News At Five” and Six and Ten.
After all, that 30 minutes is about as real as it gets. “If it bleeds, it leads” is certainly the mantra of the local news.
I mean, must we hear about every altercation and shooting?
I am not much interested in reading about Wyatt Earp, so why would I be fascinated by the goings-on in Cahokia, Carondelet, and Clayton? And then there is this notion that if someone is grief-stricken and crying, that person needs to be on the air. Best, we can show them live while they sob and deteriorate in front of the cameras. Please! Where is our dignity – where is theirs? Yep, that’s reality tv.
In this entire community, some people must be doing good things, there have to be successes, why aren’t those stories told? (Honest answer: We’d be bored! Ho-hum, another good Samaritan does a nice deed.) But back to the real reality tv – or maybe it’s the unreal reality tv. That’s a bit like jumbo shrimp or military intelligence.
The shows that have been created thus far have obviously resonated with folks, but I think they’ve only begun to scratch the surface. Reality shows are designed to show our worst side, so why not get really base and show the worst of the worst?
Here then, Hollywood, are you listening? Are Hawkeye’s scenarios for realty tv shows that would bring out the Republican in all of us: 1. Do you want to mail that first-class?
In this show, people are plucked off the street and taken to a post office with a package to be mailed.
The cameras roll as they wait in line while the workers move s-l-ow-l-y and while they take a break once the line reaches nine people.
It shouldn’t be that hard to buy stamps, but it is. Then, when they finally get to the head of the line, it’s apparent that the contestants’ box has something loose inside that jiggles when the box is tipped. Can you imagine the mirth and frustration that are captured on film?
The winner is the person who endures the line in order to mail the package and has their package received within six working days. 2.
My cable is out. For this show, cameras were placed in homes long enough ago that their presence is forgotten.
In fact, sometimes a resident moves away and a new homeowner is living there without any knowledge of the cameras. (Carefully now, look up at the corner where the walls and ceiling meet. Do you see a tiny silver object with a shiny end?) Anyway, about 20 months after the cameras are placed, the homeowner’s cable is surreptitiously sliced. Yep, you’ve guessed it: The unwitting resident calmly calls Charter Cable to get it fixed. Ha!
This scenario is consistently bad, so much so in fact that there was consideration to turn the footage into two shows: One dealing with trying to talk to a live human being and the other trying to resolve the problem. Believe me, tis catches us at our worst. It’s still another example that monopolies are not a good thing. 3. I’ll take a shortcut and use the Forest Park Expressway. No explanation is necessary for this puppy other than to say that there was a hidden camera in your car the last time that you tried this. 4. Let’s go downtown and enjoy the St. Louis Riverfront. Hidden cameras capture the discussions among visitors who have come enjoy themselves on the shores of our Mississippi.
We natives accept the river for what it is – a slightly larger version of River Des Peres – but out-of-town folks are always dismayed to see that there are no recreational areas, touring boats, water play areas, sand areas for beach volleyball, nice restaurants, or an aquarium. It’s such a treat to watch the tourists go through the predictable stages: disbelief, puzzlement, frustration, anger, and vowing to find a more exciting vacation spot next year. (Cincinnati, even Cincinnati, has capitalized on its riverfront. Go figure.) 5.
I owe how much for my medical test? And which test was this??? Yes, dear reader, Hawkeye resisted the temptation to do an easy column on the shortcomings of our health care system.
It would have been a bit too much like catching fish in a barrel; dead fish at that. Sure, I understand that 85% of us are satisfied with our health care system; why shouldn’t we be?
Most of us are healthy so don’t really use it, and for most of us, it’s free.
After all, if we pay for our health insurance or even if our employer does, we generally don’t know what the actual services cost us.
In this show, people with an illness (not a deathly illness, although that might raise the ratings, come to think of it!) are followed as they try to figure out for what they’re being billed and what the co-pay is and to whom they should send a check and why didn’t their doctor tell them this?
Most of these shows end with the contestants taking medicine for high blood-pressure, whether or not it was an issue when they began their health journey. OK, tv buffs, there you have it. Think of the white and black metal Scotty dogs that were magnets.
These are Hawkeye’s scenarios for reality shows that are bound to attract and repel. Next month I’ll offer some suggestions for who the moderators for these shows might be. (Hint: Unlike the local news, I’m seeking folks with gravitas, definition, credibility, and natural hair.
I wonder what Jerry Lewis is doing these days? Stay tuned!)
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, November–December 2009.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Archival transcription note: Source suspender a tune, realty tv and tis retained as printed; fictional television scenarios not factual program descriptions.
Original source: SD_Times2009_11.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
