Historical Winter 2006 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
I’m a sports fan, and I’m worried. Have you noticed how the stands are rarely filled at any major league stadium unless it’s a playoff game? Have you been to a Rams game and been deafened by the music that they feel they need to play to keep fans occupied? Have you seen the Cardinals new scoreboard that offers games and features to keep your attention? Yes, dear reader, it’s true.
The American passion for sports if dwindling. Oh, it’s true that attendance is higher, but that’s just because there are more people living in our country (not even counting the illegal aliens!).
If you look at attendance as a percentage of population, it’s pretty clear. Professional sports are in the decline.
During the depression, many gained solace from the exploits of Joe Dempsey and Babe Ruth. Stan the Man inspired us during WW II, and we all followed the exploits and courage of Muhammad Ali during the Viet Nam era. That’s changed, though. Who are today’s heros?
We know too much about today’s athletes, and what we know isn’t usually very flattering.
As Paul Simon sang, “Where have you gone, Michael Jordan?” The result? Today you can buy a ticket for any game at far less than face value just by wandering down a half-hour before it’s supposed to begin. Clubs use incentives to get people to attend; the game is no longer enough. (This isn’t true for cult sports like the Chicago Cubs or women’s roller derby, but that’s a column for another time.) This demise shouldn’t be surprising when you consider the other changes that have taken place in the past score of years. Remember, 20 years ago, no one had e-mail, cable television was in its infancy, the Sony Walkman was high tech, cell phones were only used by inmates, laptop computers were just on Star-Trek, and a Blackberry was a tiny fruit. What this means is that there are more and more and more toys to occupy our time. Further, why even go to a ball game? It’s probably on the tube where the picture is closer and clearer, the replays are infinite, and the beer is much, much cheaper. Should this worry us?
In a word: Of course. Sports are America’s glue and sporting events keep the glue sticky and firm. There’s something to be said about giving a high-five to a stranger. Thousands cheering Albert Pujols, Kurt Warner, or Brett Hull brings a community together.
It surely brings it together more than does a political convention, the opening of a Wal-Mart, or a new Tom Cruise movie.
But you can relax, dear reader! Protecting the welfare of the community, Hawkeye offers three recommendations for each major sport that are guaranteed to fill the seats. Sure, some rules have to change, but why should sport be different than any other sector of society?
From women voting, to gay and lesbian unions being recognized (which will only gain momentum), to wearing seatbelts and smoking diminishing, laws and mores evolve and change. Oh yeah, don’t forget the designated hitter.
The solutions are apparent. Changing the rules is easy when you remember that in every sport, it’s offense that is exciting. Sportswriters love to cover 2- 1 and 1-0 games, but they put everyone else to sleep. How else can you explain the consistent unpopularity of soccer? Purist that I am, it pains me to make these recommendations.
However, the community good is what I seek! Football $ On punt returns, the defending team can only have seven players on the field versus the eleven of the offense. Think of the implications of this one! Punts being returned for a touchdown would be almost common. Scores would easily go into the 50’s and virtually no one would punt. $ One defensive player has to play without a helmet on every third down.
The offense would know who it is, and the question is whether they call a play to take advantage of it. Invariably this would be a crowd favorite: more blood! $ Narrow the goal posts. Why should a foot be so important in football anyway? Baseball $ Move the mound farther back from the present 60 feet and 6 inches, to, say, 80 feet. Games would be more like batting practice.
The 13 run pool would be obsolete, to be replaced by the 30 run rule. Fans would have to wear batting helmets in the outfield seats. $ Once the mound is moved, teams will score way more runs and games will take way too long. So let’s also reduce the number of innings to seven. And we’ll put a 50 run rule in effect: If one team is ahead by 50 runs, the game is called. $ Use the freeze.
Each defensive player – not counting the pitcher and catcher and first baseman – has a red bulb on top of his hat.
As each pitch is delivered, a random number cruncher identifies one of the remaining six players, and when this happens the light flashes and a buzz goes off in the player’s ear.
This means that he cannot take more than one step to field a ball that has been hit. Think about the excitement that would be caused by this one!
On most hits it wouldn’t matter, but every once in a while the player would be frozen while the ball rolled right past him and the batter zipped around the bases.
The crowd would roar as nearby players would have to run over to get the ball. Hockey $ Take away the goalies’ masks. What wimps! $ Make the ice uneven.
I don’t suggesting big mounds, but creating small speed bumps that make skating far more “interesting.” $ Have two pucks in play simultaneously. One team might be in possession of both pucks, attacking the same goal, or each team might be attacking the other goal at the same time. Basketball $ Remove the backboard and place the rim ten feet closer to midcourt. Players could shoot at the rim-less basket from 360 degrees.
With no backboard, the rebounds would go in every direction.
This would negate the impact of height and result in more small–players (six foot!) playing and a faster game. $ Add a four point shot. Yep, place a four point line five feet beyond the three point line. $ Add a one point shot. Within five feet, baskets only count for one point.
I mean, how hard is it to dunk? OK, ESPN regulars, what do you think? Get over tradition; Mickey Mantle is long gone and so is Mia Hamm.
I guarantee that these rule changes will fill the seats. Sure, there will be some complaints but people will always complain.
I mean, some people didn’t like Snakes On A Plane. Go figure!
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, Winter 2006.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2006_11.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
