Historical Fall 2006 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Have you heard about the move to remove Pluto from the list of planets? No, this isn’t something that we can blame on W (for a change).
It appears that for many scientists, Pluto no longer makes the grade.
It turns out that Pluto is actually pretty small – less than one-fifth the size of Earth – and smaller than some other objects that might qualify as planets. Pluto is an ectomorph.
I hear the logic.
I mean, there has to be some set of criteria or else anything that is in orbit might be a planet, and wouldn’t that present a problem! Heaven forbid (pun intended!). It’s only fair that Pluto shouldn’t be planet if there are larger objects that are denied planet status. Fair is fair, even in outer space. So by the time you read this, wiser heads may have prevailed and Pluto make be defrocked. Alas, poor Pluto; I hardly knew ye.
My worry, however, is not about Pluto. Pluto will be just fine, thank you, however we define it. Heck, it probably doesn’t even know it’s a planet.
But if Pluto is deplaneted, what’s next? Where do we draw the line? September 15, 2006, White House, Washington, D.C.: President Bush announced that he is considering removing Alaska’s status as a state. “It’s pretty far away,” said Bush, “a bit north of Montana, and if it’s no longer a state, then it will be easier for us to drill for oil.” (An aide reminded the president that Canada still exists and is between the U.S.A. and Canada.) September 30, 2006, White House, Washington, D.C.: President Bush announced that he is considering removing Hawaii from statehood. “It’s pretty far away,” said Bush, “a bit west of the Might Mississtate, then it will be easier for us to drill for oil.” (An aide reminded the president that it’s “Mighty” not “Might” Mississippi, and that Hawaii is west of California, in the Pacific Ocean, not just of the river.) October 15, 2006, White House, Washington, D.C.: President Bush announced that he is considering removing New York City from the United States. “It’s pretty far away,” said Bush, “east of Florida, and they’re all Democrats anyway.
We can sell it to Branson.” (An aide reminded the president that New York City is north of Florida and that Branson may not want to buy New York City.) October 16, 2006, White House, Washington, D.C.: President Bush announced that he is considering turning the Washington Monument into an oil derrick. “It’s pretty far away,” said Bush, “but it’s by the reflecting pool and ruins the view of the Wilson Memorial, besides, we need the oil.” (An aide reminded the president that the monument is less than a mile from the White House, that there is no Wilson Memorial, and that no one thinks oil is in the area.) October 17, 2006, White House, Washington, D.C.: President Bush announced that he is considering turning Mt. Rushmore into an amusement park. “If families with small children will go to the park for fun, the revenue can help reduce the national debt,” said Bush. “Plus, every child loves Huey, Dewey, and Louie.” (An aide reminded the president that Mt. Rushmore features ex-presidents, not Donald Duck’s nephews.) October 18, 2006, White House, Washington, D.C.: President Bush announced that he is considering turning the Statue of Liberty into a lighthouse. “It’s pretty far away,” said Bush, “and I don’t get there often enough to call it my home.” (An aide reminded the president that he lives in the White House, not the light house.) October 19, 2006, White House, Washington, D.C. President Bush announced that he is considering buying Mexico. “It’s not that far away,” said Bush, “and if it becomes a state, I’ll have solved the problem of illegal immigrants. (An aide was struck speechless and just looked agog at W.) November 13, 2006, White House, Washington, D.C. President Bush announced that ice cream would no longer be called ice cream. “It’s a rumor being spread to hurt my program of immigration,” said Bush, “by people trying to link global warming with ill eagles and immigration.” (An aide reminded Bush that the term is “illegal” not “ill eagles.” The aide started to say something but began to giggle and was speechless.) November 17, 2006, White House, Washington, D.C. President Bush announced that the sun will no longer be called the sun. “I’m a feministic,” said Bush, and under my watch we’ll change things a bit, so women can be recognized.
The sun will now be called the daughter.” (A new aide – the previous aide quit – reminded the president that son and sun are homonyms, words that sound the same but are spelled differently. “Don’t bring up gays and lesbians,” the president replied, “I think marriage should be kept for men and women.”) December 1, 2006, White House, Washington, D.C.: President Bush announced that he was changing the names of a couple of other countries, just to make life easier for the hardworking American worker. “Greece will become Crisco, and Turkey will become Gobble. New Zealand will become Old Zealand.” (An aide reminded the president that other countries have their own governments.) December 2, 2006, White House, Washington, D.C. President Bush announced that we would soon have 47 states. “In an effort to make congress smaller, I am merging the following states: Nevada, Tulsa, Portland, and Ohio.” (An aide reminded the president that two of these were cities.) December 7, 2006, White House, Washington, D.C. President Bush announced that evolution is just a theory. “It’s like Paul Bunyan and his ox, Big Red,” the presidents said. (An aide reminded the president that Paul Bunyan had nothing to do with evolution, and that his ox’s name is Big Blue, anyway.) January 13, 2007, White House, Washington, D.C. President Bush announced that he and his wife were going on an extended vacation. “But don’t worry,” said the president, “I am competent that Don Cheney will handle everything.” (An aide reminded the president that the word is “confident,” not “competent,” that his wife’s name is Laura, and that the vice-president’s name is Dick.) January 25, 2007, White House, Washington, D.C. President Bush announced that with less than a year left in office, “I want to thank the people of Exxon for electing me to this high office.” (An aide reminded the president that Exxon is an oil company, and that he is president of the United States.) June 13, 2007, White House, Washington, D.C. President Bush announced that he was finally able to celebrate the end of the war. “I am pleased to announce that we are able to declare war is over,” said the President, “and that we have defeated Finland.” (An aide reminded the president that for the past year we have not been fighting Finland, but have been at war with Iraq, Iran, Syria, Cuba, North Korea, and Boston.) July 11, 2007, White House, Washington, D.C. President Bush announced that he was formally entering the 2008 presidential election, and looked forward to serving the nation for three more years. (An aide reminded the president that presidential terms were four years, but that a president could only serve two terms, thus Bush could not stand for reelection. “I’ve had two terms?” Bush responded, “Really? Where did the time go?”) See, it all started with Pluto. Is nothing sacred?
The next thing you know, the Cardinals will fire LaRussa, and they’ll tear down Busch Stadium and replace it with a retro.
From there, it’s a short journey until TWA becomes American Airlines. Go, Pluto!
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, Fall 2006.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Archival transcription note: Printed Hawaii satire sentence contains malformed Might Mississtate phrase; original wording retained without invented missing passage.
Original source: SD_Times2006_09.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
