Historical April–May 2005 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Many loyal readers have contacted me lately and asked me to lighten up a little. “Geez,” said one, “will you give it a break?
The election is over.” Another tactfully wrote on a postcard, “Get a life, Hawkeye, it ‘s not all gloom and doom.” But my favorite was the bumper-sticker someone mailed to me: “Darwin should serve in Iraq.” Of course, these people were referring to my series of insightful and prescient articles on the political state of our country. Reporting on our political system is a hard job, but someone has to do it.
But there are other hard jobs too. Loyal readers will remember that over a year ago I wrote about hard jobs.
I concluded that two of the most difficult jobs in this country were being the person who puts trained monkeys in their costumes at the circus and being the person who writes speeches for President Bush. Regarding the challenges of the first job, I pointed out that the monkeys were often double- or triple-jointed, smelled bad, and never really wanted to wear the costumes in the first place.
As far as the challenges of the second job, well, they’re even more obvious. You know, given these two options, I ‘d go for the trained monkeys any day. It’s a simple choice: “Now there, let’s put your little arm into this frilly sleeve…” is much easier than “Now there, let’s see if we can pronounce this multi-syllable word…” And then I wrote the diatribe in which I recommended that we replace the national election with a national lottery. Rather than electing a president of the U.S., we’d simply award the job to the holder of the winning lottery ticket.
This is actually a pretty deft argument if I say so myself. (I just did.) First, we could get some real diversity in the White House.
The chances would be greatly increased for a president who is a female or person of color.
We could get someone who hasn’t come up through the political system and who isn’t a captive to big business and wealthy donors. That all sounds pretty good. Plus, we couldn’t do much worse than is now the case. Think about it.
As part of that recommendation, sage that I am, I observed that the position of vice-president would become much more important. For that position, I was, and still am, taking applications. I’ve heard from a few but, candidly, fewer than I’d expect.
I guess the responsibilities and prospect of dressing trained monkeys were pretty daunting. Oops, I’ve confused the jobs! Anyway, I’ve been asked to lighten up, to write about something more frivolous, so I will. Recently the Cassini-Huygens spacecraft sent a probe that touched down on the surface of Titan, Saturn’s largest moon. Since the spacecraft’s launch from Kennedy Space Center on October 15, 1997, there has been lots of anticipation about what this probe might find. Titan is the largest moon of Saturn and is the second largest moon in the solar system (only Ganymede, a moon of Jupiter, is larger) so curious minds want to know. Initial results released to the public suggested possible methane or ethane ground fog on the surface and pebble-sized blocks of ice. Further, there was much speculation about a coastline of some sort created by an unknown liquid.
But that is only what was released to the public. Inside sources have contacted this intrepid reporter to share what NASA dare not make public. Why the secrecy? Can you imagine the impact when we learn that we are not alone in the solar system? Can you conceive of the chaos that will ensue when we realize that other, more advanced, life forms exist just down the comet way? No wonder NASA is sitting on the story! Although it’s Top Secret, I’ve learned that three objects were clearly identified by the CassiniHuygens probe. Even as I write, teams of physicists, astronomers, engineers, and sushi-chefs are hidden away, trying to determine what all of this means. (In fact, demonstrating typical government wisdom, NASA has convened four such teams of four members each, and has sequestered them in a resort area just outside of San Diego.
The teams are provided with food and drink daily and have access to the beach and cable television.
In an effort to motivate the teams, NASA has told them that they cannot rejoin civilization until they have this quandary solved. Odd, it’s been a couple of months and other than requesting specific brands of wine, there’s been no word from any of the research teams.) The first object identified on Titan was a wrapper from a package of Hostess cupcakes.
The cupcakes were gone and their rumpled wrapper was left on the surface, not far from the shoreline.
It was from a classic Hostess cupcake, the kind with the chocolate lid, creme inside, and squiggly icing pattern on top. Here’s the scary part: the date on the wrapper is discernible, and it says that the cupcakes are “best if eaten by May 6, 1312.” Almost 700 years ago, life on Titan was sophisticated enough to create Hostess cupcakes. Whoa! Before Columbus came to the New World, these dudes were making Hostess cupcakes.
It boggles the mind to think of what they could be capable of doing today.
The second object, a little farther from the camera than the Hostess cupcake package but still close enough to readily see, was a Macanudo cigar butt.
It appears to be no longer than an inch in length, so it was savored quite a bit.
We cannot read all of the details of the Macanudo label, so don’t know where it was manufactured or how old it is. What’s puzzling, though, is that there is a residue of lipstick on the end of the cigar. (That fact accounts for the presence of the sushi-chefs on the research teams.).
As if these two objects weren’t enough to cause consternation and concern, the third object, almost out of camera range, is the most distressing.
It appears to be a paperback edition of The DaVinci Code. Of course, what’s distressing about this is that The DaVinci Code hasn’t been published in paperback yet! Yes, dear reader, you get the picture. Someone, something, some whatever on Titan has access to a time-machine. How else could it get a paperback The DaVinci Code?
The implications are enormous.
A time-machine is like Botox times a million!
The encouraging aspect of this news is that the Titan entity clearly has good taste.
After all, The DaVinci Code has sold millions of copies and nothing, nothing, tastes better than a fresh package of Hostess Cupcakes microwaved for 13 seconds at power level 6. And there’s no domestic ceegar finer than a Macanudo. So knowing that the Titan entity has good taste comforts me as does the fact that it respects the embargo we have on goods from Cuba.
I mean, if we had found a Cuban cigar there, I’d be very worried. I’m so glad that the Titan resident joins us in fighting communism and keeping Florida’s 27 electoral votes safely in the Republican column. Don’t despair at the news that we are not alone.
It could be worse. What if the camera has spied a White Castle hamburger container for Heaven’s sake? Or a wild tofu garden? Or what if Martha Stewart’s magazine, “Living,” was found there or, gasp, a copy of The Wisdom of W? Sorry, there is more that I’d like to say in this upbeat and fluffy column, but I must get back to dressing my trained monkey.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, April–May 2005.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2005_04.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
