Historical June–July 2002 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
All right now students, please sit up and clear off your desks.
I know it’s summer but remember, you’re the reason you’re here with me now.
If you’d done your work during the school year, we wouldn’t be sitting here now on this hot day, taking our finals. Maybe you’ll remember this next year and put a bit more effort into your work in November and March and May. Fred, are you with me? Fred? Fred? Thank you, Fred.
All of you, have you heard the phrase, “Paying the piper?” Before I hand out the test, I want to tell you that I appreciate the positive attitude you’ve given me these past weeks.
I know you’d rather have been out playing, or maybe home sleeping.
I know that I’m not the world’s most exciting teacher, but I try.
Most of you have tried too. Fred, please sit up and pay attention.
As I was saying, most of you have tried too. No, you haven’t tried as much as you could have and no, you haven’t tried as often as you could have. That’s probably why we’ve spent this time together this summer!
But you have given some effort and I’m, Fred, are you paying attention, grateful for that. It’s so nice having everyone here today.
This may be the only time since the first day of class when everyone is present.
As I said yesterday, this quiz will determine your final grade for the class. Gosh, that’s probably why everyone is here today!
I loved looking at the dioramas you made and I appreciate how you’ve all been sort of prompt and here most of the time, and Gloria, the brownies were great, but it’s this test that will determine whether or not you get credit for the course and your grade. Life is complex but in school it’s a multiple-choice kind of world.
There are no make-up tests and neatness does count. Sit up straight.
Please get out a piece of paper and number from one to ten on that paper. What? No, start with the one and go to ten. Yes, one number per line. What? Yes, of course you need your name on the paper. No, do not write your name after number one. Your name should go at the top of the paper, before number one. Yes, last name, comma, first name. No, do not write out the word comma; make a comma.
Now let’s write the title of the class at the top. Write Current Events in the center. That’s E-VE-N-T-S. No, do not write in the center, put the words in the center. OK, are we ready? No, put your hand down. You may not go to the restroom. You should have thought of this before class. I’m going to, what? No, you may not get a drink. That will have to wait. I’m going to, OK, whose cell phone is that? You know the rules. I’m going to close my eyes so whoever it is can turn off their cellphone.
If it rings again, I’m taking it, and you’ll have to get it from the principal. I’m closing my eyes and counting now. One..two… who made that noise?
I hope the phone is turned off because I’m not waiting and Mr. or Mrs. Smartypants, noises like that are rude.
As far the rest of you, when you laugh like that, it only encourages that sort of behavior.
All right, when you have the numbers and your name on the paper, tell me by putting your pencil down and looking at me. Fred? I’m going to read the questions and all you need to do is write the letter of your response.
In other words, if you want answer A, you’ll write letter A.
If you want answer B, you’ll write letter B.
If you want answer C, you’ll write letter C, and so on.
If an answer is more than one letter, write all the letters that you think fit. What? No, do not write and so on if you like answer C.
I meant that just like you would write A, B, or C, you’d also write D or E if you liked those answers. Are we clear? Question number one.
The work on the MetroLink expansion will (a) take longer than it’s supposed to (b) cost more than was budgeted (c) mess up traffic patterns for years or (d) be redirected to go through the middle of Parkview. Fred, please sit up. And Monica please keep your eyes on your own paper. Question number two.
The population of the City of St. Louis has declined by more than two-thirds from its all time-high, yet we still have 28 aldermen/alderwomen.
This is (a) ludicrous (b) simply another form of workfare (c) an example of more not being better or (d) necessary to keep the mayor from getting too powerful. Question number three. President Bush is (a) president only because the Florida Supreme Court was rigged (b) best known as a nice guy (c) intent on keeping his father’s mistakes hidden from public view or (d) all of the above. Question number four. John Ashcroft was mentioned as a possible vice-presidential candidate in a recent issue of The New Yorker.
This possibility is (a) frightening (b) very frightening (c) frightening enough to make all of us pray for Dick Cheney’s health or (d) all of the above. No, Jose, asking about praying doesn’t violate the law about religion begin kept out of school. Yes, Miranda, you can pray if you’d like but it has to be silently. Fred? Fred! Question number five.
The Cardinals’ owners appeal for a new stadium built at largely taxpayer expense is (a) not a whole lot different from what other business have done (b) something that puts local politicians between a hard place and a rock (c) destined to fail once there’s a baseball work stoppage later this season or (d) another reason to become disenchanted with professional sports. Marie? No, I’m sorry, you’ll have to wait until we finish the test. Question number six.
The total number of congress people. U.S. Representatives and Senators, is (a) 435 (b) 535 (c) too many (d) primarily intent on getting reelected. Question number seven. Which of the following does not belong in this list: (a) Midnight Basketball (b) non-porous wastecans in the aldermanic chambers (c) 28 fiefdoms (c) Lyda Krewson. Fred? Moxie, please stop humming. Question number eight. President Clinton’s biggest problem was (a) a lack of self-control (b) that he stuffed the Republican right (c) Hillary or (d) Whitewater. Question number nine. St. Louis City separated itself from St. Louis county in 1876 because the county was perceived as (a) poor (b) lacking in class (c) too far away or (d) dressed inappropriately. Question ten.
The separation referred to in nine was (a) foolish at the time (b) foolish today (c) something that should be reversed (d) something our alderpeople should work on. There! We’re finished. That wasn’t so hard was it, class?
Please turn in your papers as you leave. Your final grades will be posted on a sheet of paper outside the office. (Readers, you too can take the test and get credit, assuming your score is acceptable. Email your answers to Hawkeye at trhoerr@AOL.com. Neatness counts!)
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, June–July 2002.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2002_06.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
