Historical Summer 2001 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
It only took twenty million bucks. That’s right, for a measly $20,000,000; Dennis Tito was able to become an astronaut. OK, he was a cosmonaut, but you get my point.
His catapulting into space on the back of his checkbook was a smack in the face to those idealistic folks who say money can’t buy happiness.
I mean, did you see the photo taken of him after he returned to Earth? Sure, the increase in gravity had taken its toll and he wasn’t able to stand without help.
But did you see the beaming smile on his face?
This was one happy fellah.
He couldn’t have been any happier.
Now granted, I don’t have $20,000,000 and if you’re reading this rag, you probably don’t have it either. Not only do I not have twenty million bucks, not only do I not have twenty million lira, or twenty million dollars in phoney Monopoly money. For heaven’s sake, I don’t even have checks with long enough blank lines to let me write all the digits necessary for a twenty million dollar expenditure. I’m not poor but my car is 13 years old and I take advantage of the educator’s discount for my daily NYTimes subscription. Heck, I don’t even know anyone with $20,000,000 unless, that is, you count Mark McGwire. (Ok, to be honest, I really don’t know him. We’ve, like, never met or anything.
But I’ve watched him on television enough so that I feel like I sort of know him.) But I’m not bothered by Tito’s actions in dropping a ton or two of coins to bring a smile to his face; more power to him, methinks.
As my dad used to say, “If you’ve got it, spend it.” Good old dad, may he rest in peace. Generous to a fault, he never really had it, but it didn’t stop him from spending it. Me? Well.
I didn’t choose wisely.
I have neither wealthy parents nor an occupation that will bring me fame and fortune.
But that’s not a problem.
After all, I do buy Powerball lottery tickets, and as I say to my first wife, “Someone has to win, so it may as well be me.” In fact, just between you and me, dear reader, I fully expect to win one of these lotteries.
Each time.I buy, I can feel it in my bones! It’s only a matter of time, I am sure. Heck, to be honest, I am so sure that I am going to win that I’ll be very disappointed when I do win if the amount isn’t far beyond a mere ten or twenty million bucks. What a downer that would be! Think about it: maybe you win only ten or twenty million bucks. You think you’re on easy street but, 000ps, Uncle Sam comes along and immediately takes a big chunk off the top.
Then consider your new insurance agents (with this much moola, you have to have lots of different kinds of insurance), security staff (you don’t want the unwashed masses getting too close), publicist (the tabloids love to dump on successful entrepreneurs like yourself so you need a spokesperson to maintain your image), and your personal driver and accountant.
All these folks require salary, FICA contributions, health insurance, plus wedding presents whenever one of their urchins ties the knot or has a kid. Pretty soon what was a winnings of thirteen million bucks has dwindled to only four or five million dollars. And what can you do with that? What you can’t do with only four or five million smackers is go into space with the Ruskies..
They are strapped for cash and aren’t ready to lower their price of admission to that small amount. No, with only four or five million bucks, not only is there no ride in outer space, there’s no owning a major league sports team, no buying an entire neighborhood to keep the fools from starting their power tools at 7am on Saturday, no donating money to re-route the MetroLink line to where it should go.
All of those extravagancies cost more that meager single-digit million. Alright, suppose I do hit the Powerball numbers on a good week? Suppose that I’m living right and BINGO, I win, say, sixty or eighty million bucks. Hang in there with me! First things first, I buy Ted Drewes’ frozen custard and Partagas ceegars for the neighborhood. Enjoy!
Then I take what’s coming. “OK, Uncle Sam, take your cut,” I’ll say, “and while you’re at it, take an extra 7 mil and cover highway 70 downtown so that we can walk to the Arch.” Next I’ll go to the Mayor and County Executive and tell them that I, personally, will pay for the additional cost to take the MetroLink extension down Oakland Avenue, by St. Louis University High School, the Science Center, Forest Park Community College, and Highlands Office Park. That’s where it should have been routed in the first place, of course (but hey, they don’t call the current route the WashU Extension for nothing).
In the meantime, cuttin’ checks right and left, I’ve have taken care of my mom (she gets a new car) and the first wife (for whom I’ll purchased an entire shoe store).
But there’s more! That’s right. Because I was smart and canny enough to buy my winning ticket on a week when the prize was BIG bucks, I’ll still got 30-35 million left. What to do? Well, my financial advisor – oh yeah, she’s now on my payroll too – recommends putting the cash in to some conservative investments.
She tells me that from just the interest, I can get almost $2,000,000 per year for pocket change, spending money, never touching the principle! Can you believe it? That would mean, though, that I’d have to live on a mere couple of mil a year. Givemeabreak. I’m not getting any younger so I want to spend it while I can.
I didn’t work that hard to win the lottery to watch my money sit in the bank. What to do? Well, the Cosmonaut routine is out. Oh, sure, I could afford to drop twenty mil on a ride to outer space but, er, there’s a problem.
I can barely keep from revisiting my lunch when I ride on the Screaming Eagle at Six Flags, so jetting into outer space doesn’t float’ my boat: Hmmmm, what other experiences could I buy? Surely I could find a group to take me to the top of Mt. Everest.
But it would be awfully cold up-there and once you’re on the top, what’s there to do besides turn around and come down? Nah, I think I’ll pass on being a postscript to Into Thin Air. I’ve always wanted to cruise down the Nile, but it’s awfully hot there, even in winter, so I think I’ll pass. I’ve ruled out lots of other options too, from not buying matching sports cars (too tacky) to not buying a politician (everyone has one). Politics has always intrigued me, though, so I could run for office, following in the footsteps of others who have purchased themselves an office, but that’s no fun. Once elected you have to be nice to constituents and do heavy work, like voting. No, not for me. And then it hit me, out of the blue. Actually, she hit me, out my nap. “What?” the first wife proclaimed, “you’re sitting here with $20,000,000- 30,000,000 to spend? What about ME?” As you might imagine, this led us to a wonderful discussion about just whose money it is, anyway.
The first wife reminded me that Missouri is a dowry state; everything is jointly held by both spouses. Yep, you got it.
My $20-30,000,000 is really only $10-15,000,000 when she gets her half! And I thought Uncle Sam was bad. Ever the pragmatist, I began to negotiate.
The first wife is adventuresome, to be sure, but she is no more interested in outer space or Mt. Everest than a man in the moon. Amazingly, she wouldn’t even be interested in owning a piece of the Cardinals.
But she is consistent. Right, you know where I’m heading. What deal can I strike that will tickle her fancy? Yep, the year is 2010 and •I am – no, we are – now the owner of a chain of high fashion shoe stores.
The flashing neon sign, tastefully done, above each store entrance reads Karleen’s Creations: We tend to your soul and sole.
The good news is that there’s, why am I not surprised, a fortune to be made in women’s shoes.
It turns out that I’m actually making money, hand over foot (pun intended)! Can you believe it?
This whole thing is so lucrative and addictive that my legal team – did I tell you that I-now employ five attorneys? – is preparing legislation to be filed by my senators and representatives that will allow me to keep the tax revenue that I earn.
I want to build a new big store doWntown, adjacent to the retro baseball park that was built seven years ago, surround it with retail and residential buildings, and call “The Shoe Village.” I am not being unreasonable at all and am simply asking to keep the taxes that I earn and pay.
After all, Karleen ‘s Creations is a tourist Mecca and our many visitors contributes millions of dollars to the metropolitan area economy.
The Mayor and County Supervisor are with me on this, they appreciated my paying for the MetroLink expansion, so now it’s just a matter of time and lobbying. And hey, if there is one thing that money can do for you, besides guaranteeing happiness, it’s get good lobbyists.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, Summer 2001.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2001_06.pdf, printed page(s) 12; PDF page(s) 12.
