Historical November–December 1998 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Dear Uncle Zeke, How are you these days? It’s been ages since we talked, since they took away your phone privileges. And I’ve not received any letters from you recently either.
I sent you an email a week or so ago, to the address you gave me, Zeke@StatePen.org, but it came back as undeliverable.
I even tried spelling Zeke the French way, Zeque, but it was returned too. So I’m sending you this old-fashioned letter, like a hard copy. Things are pretty much the same in the ‘Hood. WashU is buying multifamily Skinker DeBaliviere properties like mad, there is soon going to be a Metrolink (think “streetcar” and you’ll get the picture) running down the Forest Park Expressway, Forest Park is continually under repair and they’re putting back a canal that used to connect all of the waterways, Kingshighway has been changed and now there’s a great median running down the middle (where else would a median run, anyway?), Talayna’s has Moved east, Redel’s is a meal of the past, and plans are afoot to create a playground at Kingsbury and Des Peres Avenues. Same old, same old. Speaking of same old, same old, are you out of solitary confinement yet?
I was astounded a year or so ago when I got your letter, to think that they’d put you in the hole just for continually making that terrible sound with your chalk on the blackboard! I’ve had fifth graders do that.
But hey, what were you doing with a blackboard anyway? (Come to think of it, my fifth graders were put in “the hole” too but it was the principal’s office. God bless Mr. Maier.) Things haven’t changed much nationally either. Oh sure, President Clinton — remember him, the one you said reminded you of JFK? — may be impeached. It’s not likely because the Republican mandate of four years ago was just decertified but stranger things have happened.
I can see you now, Zeke, sitting in your cell and reading my words, figuring that Clinton may be booted out of office because of the land deal he had in Arkansas a decadeplus ago. Nope! And no, he’s not in hot water for trading guns for money to fund the Contra rebels in Central America. That was Reagan. Get this, Clinton is in trouble because, uh, er, I’m not sure how to put this Zeke, given your situation and all. Y’know how they have you separated from the female prisoners? Well, that’s not the way it is for the president. Do you sorta see? OK, let’s try this, you remember Paula Jones? No, it wasn’t that; well, it Was that but not with her. No, it wasn’t Jennifer Flowers either. Let’s say that he had a tryst with one of his interns. (They do have dictionaries in the hole, don’t they , Zeke?) Remember you said that he was a lot like JFK? Well, there was more truth there than you thought, big guy!
It seems that he and this intern were, well compromising one another. Gosh, let’s just leave it with that she had this blue dress and well. Zeke, have you ever heard of DNA? OK, as I said, it ain’t gonna happen. People vote with their pocketbook and like it or not, the economy is good and everyone is in Fat City. Realistically, we’d rather have a trysting president and a good economy than President Righteous and inflation. (Gosh, I think I’ve just explained why Jimmy Carter wasn’t re-elected! Personally, I could never bring myself to like someone whose name ended in Y.
A Jimmy should be playing centerfield or fixing my car, not leading the country.) So where was I? Oh yeah, the President may be impeached and the Republicans are like the Rams, in sad shape. Speaking of the Rams, the football Cardinals are looking better and better all the time.
The brewery no longer owns the Cards, Babe Ruth’s home run record wasn’t just broken, it was, like, demolished, and Missouri has a good football team. Like 1 said, Zeke, nothing much has really changed around here.
I look forward to your parole and am very curious to see the tatoos you’ve described.
If flexing muscles can make that drawing of the lady on your stomach do what you say, there’s a t.v. contract for you somewhere! Best, Hawkeye
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, November–December 1998.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1998_11.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 7.
