Historical April 1996 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Money. Everyone needs it and no one ever has enough of it. That includes, of course, our government.
We need not only more B- 2 bombers (truthfully, I can’t understand this; the B-2s are invisible, so why not just say we have them?), we need more bureaucrats, trash trucks, and asphalt.
The City of St. Louis, while not needing B-2 bombers (on the other hand, maybe they have them and we don’t know it!), does need the other items I mentioned.
After all, when bills get lost on the mayor’s desk, it often takes two or three people to find them! Anyway, given that our fair City needs more cash, in the interest of good City government, In Your Ear offers suggestions on how to painlessly raise the dough. And unlike taxes that hurt, a penny here and then when you buy your Hostess cupcakes, Lite beer, and cigars, these taxes actually support those values that have made America great! 1. Start taxing the deliverers of those throwaway newspapers that linger on the lawns for decades.
I don’t mean our own Times, of course, but as I walk down the 6000 block of Kingsbury, for example, there are days when I have to wade through back issues of the Central West End Journal. It’s hard to believe that anyone reads this paper since so few people bother to remove it from their lawns. Just the other day I saw one th OIP hPOline, “Schoemehl eclares For Governor!” If papers are still there after a week or so, the paper deliverer should be forced to pay some sort of tax. 2. Tax Folks who don’t leave their porchlights on at night. It’s hard to realize that we do, in fact, live in an urban area, but face it, we do. Crime is around the corner. It’s not only common sense to have your porchlight on at night from a safety perspective, it also makes the street look nicer.
If someone from WestCo gets lost in our neighborhood after dark, we want them to see the kinds of homes we have.
If you refuse to help brighten the place, you should throw a few pennies in the coffers. 3. Tax horn honkers (not counting geese) before 7am and after 10pm. Maybe I’m just getting old, but what’s wrong with this younger generation anyway? Laying on an auto horn or using it to tap out “Honey, I’m here.” in morse code is beyond rude. And sometimes, heaven forbid, they’re the horns of American cars!
We could create a special unit of the Noise Police to monitor and fine transgressors. 4. Tax folks who eat at restaurants west of Hanley Road. Believe me, I’ve been there, and there’s simply no reason to drive that far for a meal. (Or anything else for that matter.) View it as a reverse tariff of sorts. You’ve heard of NAFTA, this is PAFTA (patrons Against Food That’s A-ways-away).
As I’ve said, I’ve been there, done that: all the food takes like chicken, even the chicken, and the waiters and waitresses all look like they’re on a break from the casting call for “A Sound Of Music.” Everything is blue-eyes and blonde hair. Even the chicken. 5. Tax politicians who do stupid things. Boy, if we could pull this one off, there’d be no national debt. Between Bosley signing the wrong legislation and Virvus going to the pen, not to mention the illustrious Police Board, we could all . retire! 6. Tax county residents who use Forest Park.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m as inclusive as the next guy, but give me a break.
If there’s an airport user tax, why not a Forest Park user tax? And if someone’s wearing Lycra, it should be doubled. 7. Tax people who call talk radio shows and say dumb things. Hey, this one would make the revenue from #5 pale in comparison.
There are lots of politicians who do stupid things, but it’s nothing compared to the people who call radio shows and make a fool of themselves on the air.
For free no less! And no, I don’t just mean Rush Limbaugh’s show (which everyone should be required to listen to; it’s like we should all go to the Zoo and see the monkey show at least once a year). I’m also talking about folks who call Jim White on KMOX or Bernie on KFAN.
From under what rock do these people come anyway?
If we could do this, we could pay off the national debt, retire, move to Reno, and have all the Bissinger candy we could eat and Macanudo cigars we could ever hope to smoke!
These folks should GET A LIFE! No one listens (but they are fascinating shows!) 8. And speaking of needing to GET A LIFE, we should tax hockey fans. I’m sorry, but since when is a bunch of guys skating between fist fights a sport? How can this be a sport if they don’t even use a ball? Hockey is really “boxing on ice,” a quasi-Disney production without the babes. OK. That’s it. You have my list. You may laugh, feather-breath, but if we could pull this off, if we could tax the things I’ve mentioned, it would be a better world for you and me. Maybe then we’d have enough money to fund the schools, cure cancer, and eradicate poverty.
If nothing else, think of all those B- 2 bombers we could buy that no one can see!
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, April 1996.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1996_04.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
