Commentary

In Your Ear — The Generally Unappreciated

By Tom Hoerr

October 1994

Historical October 1994 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.

Is there any area more ludicrous than professional sports today?

As I write this, major league baseball players are on strike. Major league hockey players are on strike. Professional basketball players, although they haven’t even reported to training camp yet, are threatening to go on strike. What a bunch of buffoons; these major leaguers — both the management and the athletes — almost make even Congress look reasonable by comparison, and you can’t get much worse than that. (Note that I said almost!) Withholding services, in the case of major league basebailers, despite the Fact that the AVERAGE player’s salary is over $1,000,000 per season is beyond belief. Think about it.

This average major league salary could give twenty teachers very hefty raises so that they could make $50,000 per year! Or that same million smackeroos could pay fifty unemployed folks $20,000 per year to go through some sort of job training program.

But then society wouldn’t have a shortstop hitting .225 to kick around.

The hockey players seem a bit more sane, but only in comparison to the basebailers. What all of these adolescents in men’s bodies share is that they’re being paid megabucks to do something that most of the male population likes to do for fun. And I’ve heard the argument that if an accountant makes a mistake, 30,000 fans don’t boo him. Well, I don’t know about accounting, but when I make a mistake, as I do more often than I’d like, I sure hear about it. And it’s not softened by the anonymous boos of multitudes far away. Often it’s a one-to-one confrontation with someone that I know well and care about. Give me 30,000 nameless faces any day! But, you’re probably wondering, Hawkeye, why are you writing about this noW? It’s old news, so what’s the point? Ah, banana-breath, replies Hawkeye, there is a point! You see, while the athletes have neither coffee nor grounds for their pitiable behavior, there are some groups and individuals who should be walking the picket line. Yep, these are the folks who give more than they get and take more abuse than they should. Let’s pause for a minute and give them their due.

Here goes, it’s the TOP TEN LIST OF GENERALLY UNLOVED, GENERALLY UNAPPRECIATED, AND GENERALLY UNDERPAID. (OK, OK, so they’re not all underpaid. Two out of three ain’t bad!) 10. Michael Jackson’s press agent. Is there a more thankless job? Maybe being the attorney for the Menendez brothers. Maybe. 9.

The guy who makes Ross Perot’s charts and graphs. Ross-baby gets the limelight and applause; this poor fellow toils in obscurity, taking out his frustrations with colored markers. Maybe that’s just as well, actually. He’s probably happy that we don’t know his name since most the Perot’s data are wrong anyway. 8.

The traffic cop who stands at the intersection of the Forest Park Expressway and Skinker Avenue. What, you’ve never seen the traffic cop??? No wonder he’s unappreciated (and no wonder there are so many accidents there!). 7.

The poor ladies who work behind the counter at any of the local St. Louis Bread Companies. Could there be anyone who has more to do and less time to do it? Without fail, there is always a line, and without fail, it takes ten minutes just to get a cup of coffee and muffy. Somebody ought to be looking at the staffing patterns and give those poor people some help! 6. Missouri Secretary of State Judy Moriarty. Give the poor lady a break.

Here she is, just trying to do her son a favor by taking advantage of her office to register him in an illegal fashion, and all of a sudden everybody gets uptight.

After all, it’s not like he’s a stranger. What’s a mother to do? 5.

The news media who has to figure out ways to keep OJ in the news. It’s not easy, constantly regurgitating old news, hunting for new angles, and spreading rumors.

But hey, the public must be served! At least it’s more realistic than SeaQuest. 4.

The poor US Postal Workers. Sure, 5,000 postal employees’ checks got lost in the mail. Sure, it looks pretty bad when the post office can’t deliver their own mail; we’re used to them not delivering ours, but not delivering theirs is even more embarrassing. And sure, private carriers are successful because people believe that they’re faster and more responsible.

But hey, FedEx and UPS don’t have an Elvis stamp!!! 3.

All Missouri taxpayers. Two words: EMPTY STADIUM. 2. Any weather forecaster on a local t.v. channel. Imagine how painful it must be each day, knowing that you have 30 seconds of information that everyone wants to hear, but that you have to use five minutes to do it!

All people really want to know is what’s the weather outside now and what’s it going to be tomorrow? (In a pinch, forget the outside weather; we all have windows.) But the weatherperson has to talk about fronts and barometric pressure and show us funny figures taken from outer space. They’ve even taken to giving the ragweed count just to take up time.

This is a job that cannot be fun! And number one in the ToP TEN LIST OF GENERALLY UNLOVED, GENERALLY UNAPPRECIATED, and GENERALLY UNDERPAID is 1. Your US Congressman. Whether it’s Dick or William or Ike or Jim, think of what these poor blokes must go through. Living away from home for months at a time, no homecooked meals and only eating at fancy restaurants, trying to pass legislation to make this a better place for all of us. And what to they get? Criticism! Give these folks a break and help them out: vote against all incumbents! That way you’d be doing a favor for everyone! Next month: What to buy at holiday time for those relatives that you can’t stand!

Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, October 1994.

Read this article in the original newspaper issue.