Historical November 1991 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
In an almost creative move, the St. Louis Police Department is paying $50 for guns, no questions asked.
This makes lots of sense because every gun that’s turned in is a gun that can’t be used in a crime. Proving once again that it’s hard to overestimate the effect of greed, the results have been spectacular. Since October 14, the start of the program, the P.D. has had more guns turned in than expected.
On several days the various stations have used up their allocation of money before noon. Everybody, it seems, is turning in a gun: mom, dad, grandma and grandpa, cousins, neighbors, ex-spouses, and, no doubt, crooks and bad guys. Heck, we even had a murder-free week; next thing you know Ted Drewes will go an hour or two without selling a chocolate chip concrete. There’s no question, in my mind at least, that this program is a good idea. “The right to bear arms,” after all, refers to states forming a militia, not sleeveless shirts or the freedom of teenagers to tote AK-47s. Paying to get weapons off the street is a good idea, for sure, but it’s only a starting point. Since we know that something like this can work, why stop at guns? Why not develop a procedure to rid society of all of those things which are harmful or offensive? “Ah,” you’re probably saying, “but who would be the arbiter of what goes and what can stay?” Good question. Roscoe!
While my instincts and taste are all pure and laden with class, it does seem wise to bring in a slightly wider circle to decide what’s worth a bounty. So I convened my Thursday morning breakfast club, a fairly random sample of society if ever one existed, and over a muffin at the Maryland St. Louis Bread, popped the question: “If you could decide what we should pay a bounty for, to remove from society, at least the Central West End, what would it be?” A great discussion ensued, maybe rivaled only by the time the group tried to decide who would make a worse president, Dan Quayle or Cher (we decided it was a toss-up, but that she was definitely the better singer). Or maybe it was as good as the time that we imagined turning the Clarence Thomas Senate hearings into a continuing soap opera, with cartoon characters in the major roles: Roger Rabbit, Daisy Duck, and Yosemite Sam (you get to guess who played what). Anyway, we came up with all kinds of things that need to be out of sight and off the streets.
For example, I’d start by getting rid of guns, but those freebie, throw-away newspapers that clutter our lawns can’t be far behind. (NOTE: The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, the City’s oldest neighborhood newspaper, featuring erudite and handsome columnists, is not included in this category.
If the United States Congress can pass laws and exclude itself from complying, so can I.) We talked a lot and found so many things that need to be gone, away, banished, shoo, that we were forced to develop a system for categorizing the items.
The ancient Greeks felt that everything was made from earth, wind, water, and fire. We’re a bit more sophisticated, we used the five senses as categories. So here goes. Our group feels that the following items are dangerous to society and culture as we know it. Any individual redeeming any of these item(s) should receive a bounty! Any individual redeeming all of these items deserves a merit badge and a padded cell. And won’t society be nicer for all of us afterwards?
SIGHT
Redeemable for $100: any accordion that can be seen. Redeemable for $50: solid ties; red socks; shirts or blouses that have buttons on the pockets; Nehru jackets; denim clothing that is not jeans; anything polyester: anything hanging from rear-view mirrors; SLAVE and MASTER shirts; throw-away newspapers; all local television news broadcasts, especially during Ratings Week; size L squeezed into a M; and advertisements for exercise machines on cable t.v.
SOUND
Redeemable for $100: any accordion that makes sounds. Redeemable for $50: broken accordions that don’t make sounds; any Ricky Nelson, Madonna, or Herb Alpert records, tapes or CDs; burglar alarms that go off when there’s no robbery and the owner isn’t home to turn them off; KMOX callin talk shows that don’t deal with sports; KMOX call-in talk programs that do deal with sports; and hockey games on the radio.
TASTE
Redeemable for $100: any accordion that is in bad taste (which means ALL accordions). Redeemable for $50: anything made with Tofu; anything edible that is purchased at a gas station; all mystery meats and bacons; holiday fruit cakes; squash; things made in a microwave that you wouldn’t eat if they weren’t made in a microwave; housing west of I-270 and east of Colorado; and anything brought home from a dessert party.
SMELL
Redeemable for $100: any accordion that smells like plastic. Redeemable for $50: any Bi-State Bus with a polluting exhaust system (which means ALL Bi-State Buses); perfume with v-e-r-y l-o-n-g staying power; burnt popcorn; coffee pots left on the burner until the coffee all evaporates; and articles against term limitations for politicians.
TOUCH
Redeemable for $100: any accordion that can be touched (which means ALL accordions). Redeemable for $50: used kleenex; electric hand-driers from public restrooms that never work; dogs who run free and whose owners don’t clean up after them; sweepstakes letters from Smilin’ Ed McMahon; and people whose handshakes feel like frozen yogurt in a sock. So check your attics, basements, safe deposit boxes, and deep freezers.
Some of you, I know, could retire from redeeming your cache of this stuff. And you know who you are! Next month: A list of people who should be redeemed for cultural bounties.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, November 1991.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1991_11.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
