Historical April 1987 report or notice. Original dates, prices and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
In the Spring, a young man’s thoughts turn to … lawn care, of course. Living here in Skinker-DeBaliviere one inevitably winds up putting a great deal of time and thought into one’s lawn.
A lawn, after all, is more than just a lawn, a field of grass (or — gasp! — dirt) in front of your home. It’s a symbol of how you feel about yourself, your neighbors, your community, President Reagan, the Almighty, and Whitey Herzog. I used to live in an area where lawns didn’t get much attention and, let me tell you, it really made a difference in the whole feel of the neighborhood. People would come home and kick their dog, snap at their spouse(s), and be generally disagreeable with one another. You’d hardly ever see anyone out washing their cars on those beautiful May Saturdays! Things are different here in Skinker-DeBaliviere, though. Why, all you have to do is walk up and down our lovely streets and you’ll see lovely lawn upon lovely lawn upon lovely lawn.
The closest I can come to offering an analogy for this geographic litany of beauty is all of the used-car dealers next to one another on South Kingshighway.
With this in mind, In Your Ear, as still another public service, is prepared to offer some lawn hints so that your lawn can be even better than the one next door! Unfortunately, I will be forced to use some rather clinical and technical terms, but this is a science.
First, let’s talk about equipment. What exactly do you need to have a fine lawn? You may be surprised to know that only three items are necessary: a manual (rusty) lawn mower, nasal scissors, and ground pepper.
If you have a spare one, a goat will help, too. Cutting grass should only be done with a manual lawn mower that is quite rusty.
The rust, you see, is simply oxidized metal and by using this tool small itsy-bitsy pieces of metal will be dropped into your dirt and grass.
This replacement of nutrients is critical to a healthy and happy lawn.
If you don’t have a rusty lawn mower, you can get the same effect by shredding aluminum foil and sticking it in the soil at 3″ intervals. (Note: the second approach will really cause havoc with your television reception but it gives a great visual effect on a sunny, dew-covered morning.) You should use a manual lawn mower so that you exert some energy and your sweat falls to the ground.
The teeny-weeny amoebas and flagellating paramecium in your sweat will rub themselves against the rust on the ground, with the friction further increasing the oxidation process and adding your salt, another much-needed ingredient, to the lawn. Grass should never be cut too closely to the ground.
In reality, the grass is really designed to keep the bad stuff in the air from getting to the ground where it can grow and become more bad stuff. I recommend the “Samson cut;” grass should never be less than 18″ tall. Ideally, grass should be deep enough to totally cover newspapers, lost bicycles, and midget detectives.
If you have trouble recalling the appropriate depth, simply remember that the grass should be no shallower than the snow in the winter.
My motto is always, “We will cut no grass before its time.” Nasal scissors play an important role in your quest for a really great lawn. You will find that after working all day in the grass, your nose will be clogged and full of gunko. Think of your nose as the drain in the tub and think of the gunko as the hair and old soap and band-aids which accumulate on top of the drain after the water is gone . . get the picture? Anyway, you’ll need the scissors (and, if you have one, a small shop-vacuum) to clean out your nose after each venture into the lawn.
If you’re adverse to clipping your nasal hairs and are too much of a pansy to burn them out or clean them with Tabasco sauce, you can always resort to clothes-pinning your nose closed and breathing through your mouth while in the yard.
This approach, technically known as the “gulper method,” carries its own handicaps. Adding ground pepper is my own secret trick. I find that adding pepper to anything helps. Certainly with food, whether tacos or cereal, pepper is always a welcome addition; likewise, I find that a bit of pepper ground into my deodorant or toothpaste will give me a special flair for the day.
By adding pepper to the lawn, the grass is truly awakened.
It should be sprinkled, preferably at midnight, and while chanting.
If you’re in doubt about what to chant, anything by Don McLean will do.
Finally, if this sage advice fails or if you simply don’t care enough about your neighbors to give your lawn the time that it deserves, you can always resort to either astroturf, a bricked patio, or going the “natural forest” route. Remember, as the noted philosopher Lester Dutho once said, “Look at a man’s lawn and you will be staring at his soul.” Or was it “Look at a man’s seal and you will be staring at his lung?” Or was it “Look at a man’s wife and you will be staring at his lawn?” Or was it …
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, April 1987.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1987_04.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
