Historical December 1985 report or notice. Original dates, prices and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Lisa Horner, regular scribe of this column is taking a small hiatus, so I will try to fill in this month.
This is no easy task, but I’ve prepared by keeping my ear close to the ground and my wiretap alive and well.
Congratulations to the Rossetti Family of the 6000 block of Westminster. Their children, Sparky, Mother Earth, and Sly, were all recently accepted at military academies. Sparky is planning to go to West Point where she will major in electronics, Mother Earth is going to go to Annapolis where he will be studying geology, and Sly is going to the Coast Guard Academy where she will be majoring in ethics. Tragedy befell the Lockhards of 6100 Pershing. Bob Lockhard purchased a ticket for the Illinois lottery and heard over the radio that he had a winning number, worth $17,000 annually for the next 20 years. (For the past three years Bob has bought a ticket each week with the digits corresponding to his .social security number and birthday, so he knew he had a winner.) Unfortunately, Marie, Bob’s wife, had washed Bob’s jeans containing the winning ticket and all that was left was shredded paper. Karla and Jose Quienbee, of the 6200 block of Kingsbury have just returned from a leisurely six day vacation to Europe.
According to Karla, they visited sixteen countries and the Vatican. Sorry to report that Peter’s Electronics, located near Delmar and Skinker was broken into last month. Peter reports that the robbers took watches, microwave ovens, and VCR’s.
He notes, though, that he still prefers to have his shop here than at his previous location in West County.
According to Peter, “Sure, theft is a problem here, but in West County I was being bored to death and that crime occurred every day!” Hats off to the occupants of an apartment in the 6000 block of Washington, the Hamilbrees. It’s not that they’ve done anything recently that warrants the congratulations, but they’ve lived here for quite a while now and are due for some publicity.
Welcome to the Ersatzes who have bought a condo on the block of 6100 Pershing. Sam Ersatz works for General Dynamics and is in charge of research for germ warfare technology. Linda Ersatz is the founder of “Give Peace A Chance, Inc.” and author of Women Against the Bomb.
The Ersatzes bought Bob and Marie Lockhard’s condo as the Lockhards have filed for divorce and moved out of the neighborhood. Farewell to our friends, the Beaches, who are leaving Skinker-DeBaliviere to move to LaDue.
We will miss all the Beach family, mother Sandy, father Tymes, and their son, Rocky.
At a recent meeting of the Rosedale Improvement Association, Ed Smith (alias Ed Samuels, alias Eddie Sofa, alias Spiderman, alias the Big E) was the featured speaker.
The title of Ed’s talk was “Securing your property against theft.” After the meeting Ed invited all the members to his second-hand shop not far from Delmar and Skinker where he had just received a very reasonably priced supply of new watches, microwaves, and VCR’s. Ed works directly with the factory, he says, and the savings are due to the fact that he is able to sell the merchandise without boxes, packaging, warranties, or sales receipts. News just reached us from out-of-town where Sandy Cost, former Skinker-DeBaliviere resident tells us that she is starting a business selling watch stems. Apparently her previous business, carpet-cleaning, was not a success.
The 6100 of McPherson has new residents, Don and Daisy Malard and their nephews Huey, Duey, and Louis.
They are living only a few doors from their cousins, the Waddles.
We all wish a speedy recovery to Dr. Charles Wagun of the 6000 block of Kingsbury. Chuck, as he is known to his friends, had to have surgery because as he was unclogging a sink, he managed to jam his hand into the drainpipe.
In trying to remove his hand from the pipe, Chuck severed a tendon and sprained an elbow.
While being taken to the hospital by Earline Scuttles, his neighbor, it seems that Chuck, Earline, and the sink were involved in an auto accident. Neither Chuck, Earline, nor the other driver-were injured, but the sink did manage to cave in the side of the car that hit Chuck, a 1971 Volkswagen sedan.
It turns out that the Volkswagen was driven by Barnaby Slupcake, the former husband of Earline.
As luck would have it, it was the first time that Earline and Barnaby had seen one another since their divorce in Reno twentythree years ago.
It was love—again—at first (or second) sight and Earline and Barnaby were re-married immediately after the accident by the very semi-Reverend Calvin Stuart, Jr. in a cozy ceremony at Church’s Fried Chicken.
As Chuck never made made it to the hospital, he and the sink were the best man and maid-ofhonor, somewhat respectively. Chuck’s comment about the whole affair was “the Lord works in strange ways” while the sink is quoted as saying that “it was a draining experience.” We’re glad to welcome the lovely Lucritia Glammershaw and her daughter, Sylvania, back to the neighborhood. You old time residents will recall that Lucritia left several years ago to seek fame and fortune in the “new world” (as she put it), Los Angeles. Lucritia started an art gallery featuring art made entirely from toilet paper, brillo pads, coat hangers, and yogurt.
She called it “Like Art, Man” and received fine reviews from the West Coast art critics. Lucritia, alas, grew weary of being creative and is returning to open a carry-out mortuary on DeBaliviere.
According to Lucritia, Sylvania, now six years old, is still her mother’s “shining light.” Congratulations to the Fecunds who recently announced the birth of their sixteenth child, Prudence. (They have named the children alphabetically.) Their eldest child, Armadello, is now a stockbroker in Clayton. Children two through ten— Brett, Calhoun, Diedra, Eulysses, Fedora, Garbanzo, Hewell. Imogine, Jasmine—are partners in a law firm in Mexico, Missouri. Mama Fecund, known to her friends as Lucy (actually, we know her as “tired Lucy”) wants us to know that child thirteen, Montana, has started working in a bagel factory. Lucy also asks that you write her (c/o The Times) if you have suggestions for names beginning with Q or Z.
Finally, welcome to the Quackenbushes who have moved to the 5900 block of Pershing. Dr. Hugo Quackenbush is a visiting professor of phrenology at Washington University. Hugo’s wife, Zelda, is a manager of rock bands.
She is currently managing the group “Neon Smile” whose single “I’ll Love You Always, What’s Your Name?” has been on the charts for many months. Hugo and Zelda are both foreign born, Hugo hailing from Austria and Zelda coming from Hazelwood.
Thanks for listening! Lisa, hurry back, we miss you.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, December 1985.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1985_12.pdf, printed page(s) 9; PDF page(s) 9.
