Historical April 1985 report or notice. Original dates, prices and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
(Editor’s Note: This month’s chef hardly needs introduction—at least not as a writer. Tom Hoerr is a household word to many in the neighborhood as the author of “In Your Ear.” From that column, readers know of his hobbies—smoking cigars and collecting clocks.
This article will reveal another of his talents.
So in the spirit of April Fool’s, we bring you “In Your Ear” does “Macho Menus.”) by Tom Hoerr My family has a long and rich tradition of cooking well and often. Endomorphs all, we clearly fall into the category of those who don’t eat to live so much as they live to eat.
As a semi-mere youth I watched my mother spend hours in the kitchen; she read the paper in the kitchen, she talked on the telephone in the kitchen, she watched “I Love Lucy” on television in the kitchen. What she didn’t do in the kitchen was cook, but that’s only fitting because she didn’t cook anywhere.
My adolescent growing years (remember those Wonder Bread commercials?) saw me flourishing on a relatively constant diet: Hostess Cupcakes, a banana, and a Coke for breakfast; a potato-laden and butter breaded school lunch; and baloney sandwiches, Coke, and Hydrox cookies for dinner.
This is actually a very balanced diet as all the food settles in the middle around one’s waistline. Mom’s idea of a hot breakfast was putting a Twinkie in the windowsill and letting it be gently warmed by the sun’s rays. Eating out in those days was a visit to the downtown Pope’s Cafeteria where I’d order a salisbury steak, two orders of mashed potatoes with brown gravy, two rolls with butter, and a chocolate milk. Honest.
All of this changed when I met my present wife, Karleen.
Her idea of cooking with heating up the previous evening’s Imo’s pizza for breakfast.
We once lived in a house for four months with a broken stove before we found out that it didn’t work. (The reason we discovered that it didn’t work was that Karleen was trying to use it to melt wax for holiday ornaments.) Today, as honorary yuppies, we eat better: baloney sandwiches and chocolate milk have been replaced—regretfully—by Moo Shoo Pork at the Silk Road, salad and a slice of pizza at Godfather’s, and pasta con broccoli from Pasta House. Eating in generally means bringing the outside food in and not having to tip a waiter. Come to think of it, I wonder if our stove works now?
It is with this background of fine taste in food that I bring you Chicken a l’Orange Con Bagels.
As with all great endeavors, assembling the ingredients is the most crucial first step; it was true at D-Day and it’s true in my kitchen (more similarities here than I care to think about!). I recommend the Schnucks store at Hanley and Clayton.
The parking lot of this store has a “Volvo-ratio” that is quite high, so you know they cater to yups. Go to the frozen food section; yes, that’s it, right behind paper products and before dairy products. About thirteen feet from the northern end of the aisle you’ll see the Stouffer’s Frozen Food section. Quickly now, before you get frostbite, thrust your little palm in and grab the box labeled CHICKEN a )’ORANGE. Slowly read the back of the box (remember not to move your lips).
It says: . . tender strips of chicken breast in a light glaze accented with orange. Served on a bed of white and wild rice with toasted almonds and green onions, truly an inspiring meal. Pay for the box and you’ve done the hard part!
Once home, grab a cheap cigar and light it.
Now take the cigar from your mouth, remove the wrapper and re-light it. Open a bottle of tepid lite beer (the brand isn’t important here, just pick based on the commercial you like best). Remove contents from box. Throw away box. Place frozen bags of chicken and rice into your microwave oven and heat on “high” for five minutes or until the bags explode, whichever comes first.
Once done, remove contents from bags, mix, add lots of pepper, and eat.
The bagels as in “con bagels”? Simple, place bagels in oven on top rack under broiler; broil until black and then scrape and eat. INGREDIENTS one box Stouffer’s Chicken a l’Orange pepper one Petrofsky’s bagel one cheap cigar match tepid lite beers 367-7005 (that’s the number for DeBaliviere Pasta House carry-out orders)
Original photograph caption
Tom (on right) and Karleen Hoerr at home in their kitchen. Original humorous photograph. The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, April 1985, page 2. Photographer not credited.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, April 1985.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1985_04.pdf, printed page(s) 2; PDF page(s) 2.
