Historical burglary-prevention column by Paul Kurtz and Sam Green, September 1984. The burglar’s first-person voice is a fictional explanatory device.
I work some days and some nights, but normally not more than about twenty to twenty-five hours a week. I work especially hard in the summer and take it relatively easy in the winter.
My income is incredible; everyone makes it easy for me to continue my trade and I will prosper as long as you make it so easy for me. Who am I? I’m your neighborhood burglar and I thought this might be a good time to give you some inside tips on how to make my living a bit more challenging, since even burglars can get bored with the same old routine and we need to spice up our lives a little. You won’t be able to recognize me since I am a master of disguise and have been known to be a salesman, police officer, or just an inquisitive passerby. I will however do my utmost to not be overly noticeable, since my greatest fear is being recognized or remembered. I generally look for a house I can enter and exit quickly and one that is not easily seen by neighbors.
If I have time, I will case out the neighborhood to see if the neighbors all know each other because that increases the chances that somebody may be looking for me and I don’t like that. Remember that I am looking for something easy and will more than likely avoid those prospects that yield a chance of my being seen or apprehended. I always know that someone will make it easy for me.
Many times I will use the phone and call houses to see if anyone is at home. I will either hang up or ask for a friend, if by chance somebody does answer.
The latter is an even more effective technique, since it does not arouse any suspicion and you would be amazed at the information people will give me over the phone that I find useful, such as how long they have lived in the neighborhood, whether the neighbors are caring. Incredibly enough they will do this without ever asking my name. I can be very friendly and persuasive sometimes. Telephone answering machines and answering services can really throw me off.
It takes more effort to determine if anyone is home and since I really enjoy the short hours, I will look for every available shortcut. Unless I can determine when the parties are expected to return, I will generally shy away from these situations.
On pretty days I really love to get outside and do my legwork.
Many times I will dress in a nice suit and carry my briefcase and travel door to door.
At this time I am scouting for some houses to hit and look for alarm lights or window bars and other measures designed to keep me out.
The really easy marks are those houses that have one or more papers on the front lawn or a great deal of mail in the mailbox. That is a sure sign that nobody is home and that nobody cares whether or not others are aware. I look for the path of least resistance by looking for windows that are shaded by shrubs or bushes as this gives me more time to work without being seen. I will generally stay away from houses with alarm systems, unless I have taken the time to study the system; but remember, I am basically lazy and will normally just go to the next house. Lighting is a detriment for me and I will stay clear of those areas where I would be easily recognized.
The dark, badly lit areas are my paradise and I look for those neighborhoods that are dimly lit as I’m out for my evening ride. I’m basically a quiet and shy individual so I won’t make a lot of noise and don’t really want to meet you. Breaking glass is no fun, so I may look for unlocked windows and doors before I will try any forced entry. Generally, if you make it difficult for me, I will stay away.
The outside lighting of the house is important but so is the interior as those lights really are the keys to whether or not the house is occupied.
Since I am casing the neighborhood, I will drive by numerous times at different hours of the day and will make a note of those houses where the same lights are on constantly. Those houses that are equipped with light timers and are constantly off and on at different hours of the day are too confusing for me to fool with.
Well, I better stop giving you all these tips or else I will have to change professions. Remember, you have worked hard for your belongings, but I really have little regard for that.
If that makes you just a little angry, then maybe I have made my point.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, September 1984.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1984_09.pdf, printed page(s) 4; PDF page(s) 4.
