Historical satire by Tom Hoerr, September 1982. The exaggerated proposals are comic inventions, not practical advice or reports of actual events.
“Snap, Crackle, Pop!” No, those aren’t the familiar breakfast cereal sounds from your childhood; rather, they’re the sounds emanating from one of those backyard bluelight electric bug killers. That’s right, the sounds result from an insect being attracted by the light, drawn to the blue glow, and then, ZAP! It’s all over and presumably the insect goes to that big exposed thigh in the sky, insect heaven. I recently attended a party where one of these big blue zappers was in operation, and the reaction was, well, amazing.
First, logically enough, the insects were not at all pleased with the presence of the zapper.
Even though we nicknamed the zapper “Frank” to make him more human, the insects were very unhappy and picketed Frank zapper. (The insects’ picketing ploy failed though; seems that the “Buy American” movement caused folks to be less than sympathetic to their little line of beetles and other foreign bugs.
They would’ve been much better off to picket in Fords or Chryslers.) Somehow I feel a little sorry for the insects.
They really can’t help their attraction to the big zapper. It’s kind of as if someone had attached a 200 volt battery to my cache of Hershey bars in the refrigerator. I’d be zapped too.
While the bugs were united against (and, ultimately, to) the zapper, other reactions were mixed. Union Electric loves the zapper. Remember, though, that UE is the concern that pushes electric toothbrushes and electric ashtrays while telling you to conserve electricity (and then charges you more per kwh when you do conserve, because they need to get an “ample” return on investment).
A minority of party-goers, while admiring the efficiency of the zapper, said that the odor of the protein frying made them question whether or not they were really up for barbecued steak.
The most interesting reactions, however, centered around the sounds that the zapper made as it did its work. Just about everyone felt that the noise was objectionable; some found it disconcerting, others found it irritating, and still others found it almost nauseating. (My first thought was to have ear plugs available at the party, but Dr. Steve Brammeier, our resident vet, tells me that it would be impossible to find one size ear plug which would fit all insects’ ears.) The task, then, is obvious: find an alternate solution to the bug problem!
My initial remedy dealt with flypaper. Rolled up tightly into a cone-shaped rod, flypaper can be jammed up your nostril, causing a great deal of pain.
The zapper will still be doing its dirty decibeled deed, but you’ll be in such anguish that you will hardly hear the cacophony of critters cascading to cadaverland.
If your nose is sensitive, try filling shallow pans with sand and alcohol.
The insects will land in the pans, become intoxicated from the alcohol, and begin throwing the sand at one another.
To the insects, the sand is boulder size, so you’ll soon be rid of the bugs (except for the survivors who will have hernias and won’t be able to bother anybody anyway).
If neither of these options appeal to you, let’s try another by considering what attracts bugs: exposed human flesh. I recom-, mend that each neighborhood subsidize a nudist colony—preferably one with its membership tied to the weight watchers club. Bugs would view this area as a heaven on earth, ignoring you and your backyard activities. (We could also have a neighborhood fund raiser by establishing a tanning booth just outside the entrance to the nudist colony.) If you can’t see the nudist colony idea, if flypaper up the old snoot doesn’t appeal to you, and if other mundane solutions like smokepots, window fans, and underarm deoderant don’t appeal to you, then there’s really only one alternative to the big zapper.
The best solution to the bug problem is perhaps the simplest.
Each household should obtain one frog. Frogs feast on insects, using their lightning-like tongue to zap them soundlessly.
In no time at all our insect problem will be gone without the use of any electronic zappers and their irritating sound. Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has once again given us a simple solution to a complex problem. Next month my column will deal with how to get rid of warts.
It seems that there’s this new electronic device that dissolves warts with no pain or bother except for a sound that goes “Snap, crackle, pop….”
Originally published in The Neighborhood Paper, September 1982.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1982_09.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
