Historical satire by Tom Hoerr, June 1982. The exaggerated proposals are comic inventions, not practical advice or reports of actual events.
Someone once said, “You can’t go wrong underestimating the intelligence of the average person.” Actually, I’m not sure if someone really said that, but if they didn’t, they should.
Now I’ll grant you, there are a number of events which we could point to as a rationale for the aforementioned conclusion: the Falkland Islands crisis; Wrestling at the Chase; the success of “Three’s Company”; and the practice of raking leaves, to name a few.
My latest tirade, however, deals with the small town of Hollister, Missouri. Hollister is located near the southwestern part of our state.
It seems that the city council is about to pass a measure that “would require that firearms be owned by all residents except for felons, handicapped, and those who refuse for religious or other grounds.” Honest!
This measure would be similar to one passed earlier in the year in Kennesaw, Georgia.
And we thought that the Board of Aldermen was bad! Can you believe it? Firearms in every house. Given what we know about human nature, the results of such legislation are clear — every day would sound like the Fourth of July as neighbors and families turn their guns on one another to settle disputes. Tired of your spouse leaving the cap off the toothpaste tube? Concerned over apartments being turned into condominiums? Distraught because your neighbor’s lawn always looks better than yours?
No problem, just unholster and blast away.
While this trend might prove advantageous to hospital stockholders and the makers of fine leather goods, it seems terribly inefficient to me.
After all, gunshots are noisy and they can positively ruin a nice oriental rug.
The house would always smell like gunpowder too.
If we’re really to succumb to our selfdestruct tendencies, I propose that there must be a better way. Why not require each citizen to be armed with a vial of nerve gas? It’s very efficient and a lot quieter. Granted, it poses some problems on a windy day, but that can always be worked on (no one ever said that using nerve gas in the wind is a breeze … ).
Another option would be to mandate that all violence be done by using some kind of pasta as a weapon. “Fifty lashes with a wet noodle” may not be too imaginative, but linguini up your nostrils has a nice ring to it. (Heck, by the time your enemy would suffocate, the argument would be forgotten and you’d be administering CPR.) Well, back to Hollister, Missouri.
No doubt they wouldn’t approve of my pasta alternative. Can you imagine those dudes, wearing their 10 gallon hats and riding in their pickup trucks with a pasta-rack hanging in the rear window. How macho can you get?
They probably wouldn’t like my nerve gas idea either.
Getting drunk and vialing up the town couldn’t be too much fun (besides, it wouldn’t awaken anybody!).
No doubt there are some reasonable souls in Hollister (if nothing else, perhaps a Mary Kay saleswoman passing through). If, indeed, rational minds can prevail at least for a bit and stall the legislation for a while, all will be saved.
In a few months there will be an outlet for aggression, a focus for the eternal quest for manhood, and the animal urges within us all. That’s right, only ten more weeks and the 1982 National Football League season is upon us. Ah, what more could you want?
If the crime rate goes up during the full moon, it surely goes down on football Sundays. Relax Hollisterites, relief is only a training camp away.
In the meantime, if you have some aggressive tendencies that you just can’t handle, try stuffing a noodle in a vial.
It beats shooting a gun.
Originally published in The Paper, June 1982.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1982_06.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
