Historical satire by Tom Hoerr, September 1981. The absurd suggestions about microwaves, heating, personal hygiene and service calls are comic exaggerations, not practical advice.
September is a very depressing month because it means the end of summer vacations.
While summer vacations aren’t usually what they’re cracked up to be (what is these days?), they do offer a welcome respite from the day-to-day drudgery in which most of us eke out our livelihoods. Unfortunately, the presence of these vacations makes their absence even more noticeable (how’s that for logical thinking?).
With this in mind, In Your Ear, as a consumer service, offers some suggestions for psychologically extending the summer vacation.
These tips will make the transition from summer to fall to winter an easier one. Just follow the suggestions and you’ll never know that you got on the wagon.
1. Set your thermostat on 97 degrees and drink a glass of lemonade before. during and after each meal. You might feel like it’s a bit warm for trick or treaters, but what the heck, as long as it’s still summer! You’ll even feel hotter with your lips puckered.
2. Continue to cut the grass weekly no matter its length. (Note: Ken Cohen, this does not mean that you should cut the grass weakly. You do that anyway!) While you may find this difficult to do when there’s no grass, just remove the wheels from the lawnmower and you’ll quickly regain that struggling sensation.
3. Stop using a deodorant.
Then, regardless of the heat or your activity, it’ll seem like summer (at least to those around you). Be careful of this strategy, however.
After all, what good is summer if there’s no one around to play with? (What ever happened to Katie Winters, anyway?)
4. Continue to go to Ted Drewes and stand in line for ice cream.
This is a toughie because Ted — not knowing that summer isn’t over for you – closes down his stands in September.
If this happens, try waiting in Maryland Plaza for a parking space. It’s almost the same sensation and a lot less fattening.
5. Continue to sunbathe and tan yourself.
This is simple and easy if you have a microwave oven. Gently but firmly place your body inside the oven and set the timer for 90 seconds.
If you want to be really efficient, fill your mouth with kernels of corn as you enter the oven.
6.
On a weekly basis, call AAA and report an overheating radiator. I do this even though I now have an aircooled VW.
While I don’t need the service, I feel that it helps keep their equipment in top shape.
7. Continue to go to the neighbor’s house to use the pool.
If the pool is closed, ask if you can use his tub, toothbrush or spouse.
While you may not be in the water, you’ll get that same summer intimate feeling of sharing.
This step works well with step No.
3.
8. Turn on KMOX Radio and listen to a discussion of the baseball strike.
After all, what’s more American than apple pie and labor strife? Consider yourself lucky.
It could be worse. (The air controllers could be on strike.) Well, there they are.
A few simple steps to stretch your summer until Christmas.
If all these fail, move to Nome, Alaska. Then even in November, compared to where you’ll be, it’ll seem like summer in St. Louis.
Originally published in The Paper, September 1981.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1981_09.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
