Historical humor by Tom Hoerr. Dog hair, Cheerios, bricked-up windows and other extravagant suggestions are comic inventions, not practical heating or safety instructions.
I am not a person who tends to look for conspiracies when the unfortunate occurs.
While it isn’t as interesting as all the other possibilities, I suspect that Lee Harvey Oswald did indeed act alone on that dismal Dallas day. I’ve worked in enough bureaucracies to be convinced that the changing face of our City — both good and bad — is the result of a cacophony of institutional policies and the whims of individual entrepreneurs, not the consequence of momentous decisions made in smoke-filled rooms. Unfortunately, my experience tells me that there’s been no one wise enough to orchestrate all the snafus and bad turns of fate. Having said that, I must admit that my feelings of mistrust and cynicism have been growing over the past few winters. Carl Sagan aside, one wonders what “entity” is responsible for two malevolent forces coming together at this juncture and sandwiching us in a constantly worsening spiral. I’m speaking, of course, about the pinch caused by our increasingly severe winters and the concomitant higher fuel costs. I can usually attribute the vicissitudes of life (having a chili stain on your shirt and not noticing it until you enter the room for the job interview) to just plain bad luck.
The recent combination of events, however, has me wondering.
Is it possible that the Arabs’ Dave Murray is better than our Dave Murray? Could they have predicted our severe winters and timed their price increases accordingly? Better yet, could they have seeded our isotherms or whatever? (“Look. Up in the sky. It’s Mother Nature and her jar of margarine on a magic carpet!) Alas, the answers to these questions are mere speculation.
More to the point is the by Tom Hoerr question, “How can we brace ourselves for the winter ahead?” The leaves are turning brown and the Football Cardinals have eliminated themselves from playoff possibilities, so winter can’t be too far away. (Actually, the Cardinals’ performance in recent years has been such that their being out of the running could augur the Labor Day weekend!) What follows is another effort to disseminate information which will make life more pleasant for you, the reader.
As in the past, the quality of the information will be commensurate with the cost of our publication. Hopefully these tips will allow you to weather the winter (sorry, I couldn’t resist that one) in better style at a lower cost.
Insulation is the key to reducing heating costs. There are many creative ways to insulate.
While many folks insulate with rolls of fiberglass or newspaper shreddings in their attic, don’t over look the possibility of insulating with dog hair or Cheerios. How about dog hair and Cheerios?
If you’re insulating side walls, try using a combination of junior’s graded papers from school and peanut butter.
If you’re really ambitious and serious about reducing your fuel costs, try creating a mixture of 1 part coffee grounds, 5 parts leaves, and 3 parts ketchup. Add 1 tsp. of super glue for body.
This concoction can be whipped together in your blender.
A great deal of heat is lost through doors and windows.
While it may require a sizeable initial outlay of funds, you can reduce a lot of this heat loss by bricking up your windows and back door.
In addition to saving energy, you’ll find that this effect also creates a more private environment (think of the money you’ll save on shades and drapes). Your bricked up windows and doors will also simplify your exit routes in case of fire.
If you’re a traditionalist and .on- -keeping -yeue—wi-AElows,-deninsist on keeping your windows don’t rely on storm windows alone. Create an extra barrier to the chill by scotch taping the windows from top to bottom.
Not only will this cut down on the draft, if you tape the sticky side outward you should also notice a significant reduction in the number of mosquitos next fall.
If you find the price of tape too prohibitive or the solution too sticky (did it again!), simply leave your windows open all winter with a small fan placed in the window, blowing out.
This will naturally keep any cold air from entering your home.
Cold air enters the house each time a door is opened. Plan your schedule so that there will be as few trips in and out of the house as possible.
If you must go to work or school, synchronize schedules so that everyone in the family enters and leaves together.
This can be done by having all family members line up two abreast in a semi-crouched position near the door.
A whistle or other shrill noise (such as the sound of mother asking, “Whose shoes are these?”) should be the starting signal.
The return entry into the house may be a bit more difficult. I suggest having all the family members convene at a nearby tree or a neighbor’s house.
If you are lucky enough to find a neighbor willing to let you wait in his warm house, take advantage of the situation by filling your pockets and cheeks with warm air before you begin the trek home.
If possible, fill a baggy or two each day.
Psychological considerations are an important part of your heating plan.
We are all familiar with “warm” or “cool” colors.
A lowered thermostat will be feasible if you carry these colors to their ultimate by painting all of your walls hot pink and the ceilings citrus orange. (These colors will also reduce your lighting requirements.) The psychological ambience is barely touched by paint alone; you can also utilize this principle in decorating. Jalepeno peppers hung in doorways (like mistletoe) will have a warming effect; using tobasco sauce as a cologne can make you perspire in the coolest room and is also helpful in befriending strange animals.
Food preparation is the last avenue to consider. Napolean once said that an army travels on its stomach (that explains the grass in their navals) so we must consider meals when we look at conserving fuel costs. Chili beans should be used with all meat, poultry, fish, dairy, dessert, or bread dishes. Bean dip (hot) provides a good balance for ice cream or other cool treats. Perhaps best of all, a 50 – 50 mixture of red pepper and sugar will ensure that all of your cakes warm the tummy.
If you follow all of these steps, I’m sure that you’ll have both a warm and unusual winter.
When all else fails, consider the ultimate move south. It’s a lot warmer at Broadway and Chippewa.
Originally published in The Paper, November 1980.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1980_11.pdf, printed page(s) 7; PDF page(s) 7.
