Historical humor column by Tom Hoerr. Trained fish, dancing ants and pet erasers are comic inventions, not animal-care instructions.
Short of owning a villa on the Mediterranean or shares in gold futures, pet ownership can be one of the most gratifying experiences in anyone’s life. Once the decision to own a pet is made. the choice of which kind of pet to get becomes paramount.
While elephants. for example. are quiet and generally amiable animals, they do present major yard clean-up problems. Likewise. giraffes are pleasant docile creatures. yet they play havoc with chandeliers and hanging plants.
It is generally recognized that dogs and cats are the most common pets. This is due to the anthropomorphic characteristics they share and the fact that they are both easy spelling words. If you ever ask a second grader to spell orangutan, you’ll. understand why they’re such uncommon pets.
One often overlooked pet is the fish. Many people assume that fish are “just there” (like a birthmark) and devoid of personality: not so! A well-trained fish can give hours of pleasure to its master as it fetches the paper. speaks for treats. and chases stray cats found in the yard. The Doberman fish is well known for its sentry-like qualities and the Collie-fish (made famous by the movie star. Lappie) can be a boon to any sheepfarmer.
If a fish isn’t your cup of tea (or in your cup of tea), you may wish to consider another popular pet, the ant. Although much publicity does not come its way, the ant’s popularity is evidenced by the numerous summer picnics and outings which it attends. Ants require very little care (whereas uncles usually require a color t.v. and a well-stocked refrigerator) and are quite trainable. Newspapers are too heavy for ants to fetch. but patient trainers have been known to teach dozens of ants to do coordinated dance steps and, thus. turn the on ‘off knob on kitchen appliances. Imagine the little devils holding hands and tapping a two-step on your radar range control knob.
If even the ant requires too much maintenance and time. yet you still long for a companion. may I suggest the eraser? A dab of ink and a little imagination can transform even the bleakest eraser to an ever-smiling little friend. Erasers require minimal care and their good nature means that they are seldom rubbed the wrong way. While the eraser’s repertoire of tricks is limited. endless hours of practice and proper reinforcement can enable your eraser to act like a doorstop. ear plug. or chewing gum substitute. Their biggest virtue. however. perhaps lies in the ease with which erasers are paper-trained.
Originally published in The Paper, April 1980.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1980_04.pdf, printed page(s) 6; PDF page(s) 6.
