Original humorous letter signed “The City of St. Louis.” The actual writer is not identified in the source.
Dear
Mr. Cohen: I don’t normally write letters or respond to critics. but enough is enough! Twice now, in the November and March issues of this tiny tabloid, you’ve ridiculed me, and
I’m tired of it.
It isn’t easy being a large city, you know. Oh sure, it’s lots of fun during a World Series or Presidential Convention, but it can be very trying indeed. Have you ever tried assimilating teeming masses? Do you think it’s easy to withstand a giant McDonald’s arch, undergo urban renewal, or lose an NBA franchise? Add to that Spanish Pavilion, the Santa Maria, and a now-vacant GM plant. and you’ll quickly begin to see what I mean. It’s not often that I step from my facade of buildings, streets, wires, and tax abatements, and actually talk, but your attitude has me really bothered. Animals get to talk on Christmas Eve, but cities never get to talk: never, that is, unless it’s a real serious incident. Your abusive letters fall into that category.
Bureaucracy. you say? Sure I have a bureaucracy. You don’t run a city like a commune. I can only do my best to enable citizens to take advantage of my services. Can I help it if some knuckleheads don’t read the instructions on our new convenient stickers? Can I help it if some neighbors like to pry into others’ dumpsters? Remember all those years of knocked-over trash cans, stray dogs, and disgusting alleys? Well. I guess that you’re proof that “you can’t please everyone.” No doubt you’re unhappy because O. J. Anderson can’t kick field goals. Do you also expect Bo Derek to be a brilliant conversationalist?
I’m tired. I could go on. but I’m weary. If it’s not hair-sprayed would-be jet setters moving to suburbia, it’s carping citydwellers placing plastic flamingos on their lawns or ridiculing progress.
Mr. Cohen: I appreciate your interest, but in the future would you please take up a hobby other than caviling at progress and increased efficiency? I understand that counting grains of sand on a desert beach can be very enjoyable!
Sincerely The City of St. Louis
Originally published in The Paper, April 1980.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1980_04.pdf, printed page(s) 2; PDF page(s) 2.
