Historical November 1979 humor column by Tom Hoerr. The fictional origin story and exaggerated running claims are satire.
Jogging is the perfect sport for today’s man/woman/person on the move: it is easy to learn, has few rules, and requires a minimal amount of scorekeeping. Unfortunately, like sugar substitutes and layaway financing, jogging also has its disadvantages: pain, boredom, pain, mad dogs, pain, meandering autos, pain, broken-down soles (not the kind in which Billy Graham is interested), and, of course, pain.
History tells us that the first recorded jogger was Egok M. Mundut. Egok, a CroMagnon from a Brussels suburb, inadvertently discovered the tail of a wild boar. This interaction led to Egok’s initial jogging experience. (Note: latter-day bores have been known to frequent cocktail parties and cause similar reactions.)
The decision to jog is not to be taken lightly. Each plus and minus should be carefully recorded and weighed in arriving at a decision. Coin flipping is often the most logical method available. Often times, the decision can be facilitated by placing it within a binary-choice situation. For example, “Should I jog or hit my head against the wall?” “Should I jog or watch re-runs of ‘Leave It To Beaver’?” or “Should I jog or spend an afternoon riding Bi-State’s scenic routes?” are all designed to get you hoofing on the road. (Oh, yes, if you chose an option other than jogging, please continue straight to the next article without passing GO.)
Once the decision has been reached to jog you can now begin getting to the heart of the jogging experience, selecting your garb. (Experienced joggers will emphasize that it is very important to have at least two changes of clothing unless you plan to run alone. Very important.) While most colors are acceptable, a few hues should be avoided. Dressing in black and wearing a ski-mask is dangerous if jogging near a bank. Wearing pink and green is considered a no-no in Ladue (unless your outfit is made of polyester). Perhaps most dangerous of all, however, is wearing white if running near an eyeglass factory — rumor has it that one runner doing so was not noticed and mistakenly tripped into the lens grinding machine, making a spectacle of himself.
Once you have chosen your colors, be sure that they fit correctly. A loose fit is preferred; this allows for both the evaporation of perspiration and the smuggling of contraband. It also allows you to sneak friends along if you’re jogging to the drivein (not unlike the auto trunk of yesteryear). Cotton clothing is also best. Cotton is cool, absorbs perspiration, and serves as a giant band-aid when you fall. Lastly, hats are essential — they allow you to be distinguished from wild dogs and escaped mental patients (which is another reason why you shouldn’t wear a uniform).
Original photograph caption
Original jogging cartoon. The Paper, November 1979, page 7. Artist not credited.
Originally published in The Paper, November 1979.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1979_11.pdf, printed page(s) 7; PDF page(s) 7.
