With this issue we inaugurate a new service. Your horoscope will be planned with scientific precision by a correspondence school graduate of the -Harvard School of Astral Analysis, Prestidigitation, and Pickpocketry, Harvard, Iowa. You can put just as much confidence in your horoscope as you do in the weatherman on your favorite station. Herewith is what your stars say you should do with your life until our next issue.
Aquarius
Be very careful while walking on the window ledges of tall buildings as Mars is in Venus’s house and her husband is on his way home.. This bodes ill for you.
Aries
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow …. don’t ask.
Pisces: Try not to get out of bed until further notice. Your stars are on strike and are consequently in an ugly mood.
Libra
Your stars are auspicious for making financial investments. We recommend Pennsylvania Railroad, Collier’s Magazine, and Farley Perkins Preferred Uranium stocks They are sound as a dollar.
Taurus: Conditions are good for you to send a large cash contribution to a national political figure. (Don’t blame me …..These are your stars speaking.)
Leo
Men born in this sign are likely to have to work for a living. Women born in Leo can stay home eating bon bons and reading slim French novels.
Cancer
Do not tell big lies about the neighbors to . your minister, priest, or rabbi. Small lies will get by. Do not ask your mother. in-law to come to live you.
Scorpio
Your stars are most auspicious for travel to any of the following exciting hideaways: the Holy Land, the Cambodian temples the Virgin Islands, and the Gulag Archipelago.
Virgo
Shun “Newsroom” Patrick Emory may be hazardous to your health. Do not buy a used car from a man wearing a black shirt and a white tie, because the moon is in alignment with the 3rd ring of Saturn creating unfavorable static on your astral receiving sets.
Gemini
Under no circumstances eat three Big Macs at once this month.
Sagittarius
Get a tattoo. This will vastly improve your social life. For Sagittarians the best designs are gerbils rampant, garlands of chickweed, or entwined tapeworms.
We know you will find this guidance helpful in managing your life. The stars never fail you.
Originally published in The Paper, February 1974.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1974_02.pdf, printed page(s) 5.
