Historical September 1986 report or notice. Original dates, prices and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
“What’s the easiest job in the world?” That’s a question that I’ve been pondering lately. I don’t know why I’ve been thinking about it, maybe because it is the time of the year when my job “heats up”; nevertheless, it has been on my mind and I’ve been talking to friends about it. I’ve been doing some actual research into what is the easiest job. No, not reading Turkel’s Working or immersing myself into the stacks at the Washington University library. I’ve been doing research in the fashion of a true social scientist: talking about the topic over numerous dinners and drinks. There’s something about the third and fourth Bud Lites that makes my thinking a bit clearer. (Interestingly, it has a short-term effect because the next morning I find that the previous night’s thinking is actually quite muddled.
At the time it seems cogent though …) Deciding the easiest job is actually harder than one might think.
There are all kinds of variables and limitations that must be set.
First, let’s base the discussion on the United States and our culture. That rules out Eskimo advertising men, snake charmers, Great Wall of China security guards, and the like. Those could all be very easy jobs, but I really am not sure.
In thinking of our culture, what do we typically mean by easy? Certainly, for me anyway, any job that requires physical labor and perspiration is definitely not easy.
My parents didn’t pay tuition and I didn’t learn the difference between ontology and epistemology so that I could break a sweat to bring home the bacon. (I realize that some muscletypes might disagree and argue that a job of lifting which requires no thought is easy. They’re wrong, but that’s their problem.) Now that we’ve excluded physical labor, what criteria should be set?
First, just as there’s no physical labor allowed for an easy job (other than breathing and moving one’s eyes), mental stress and strain should also be kept to a minimum. That pretty much precludes jobs like nuclear scientist, stock market analyst, and publicist for the Football Cardinals. Any job that requires the carrying of a gun should be eliminated from consideration. Whether or not you actually shoot anybody or are shot at, the fact that you have to carry a piece should disqualify you from being thought to have an easy job. This, then, rules out cops, security guards, military personnel, crooks, and publicists for the Football Cardinals.
Finally, the job should be one that is routine, requires little or no skill, and is free from scrutiny.
This excludes physicians (where a little skill is required), air-traffic controllers (where the job isn’t routine), and being Mayor of St. Louis (where there’s more than a bit of scrutiny) Now before I go any farther, let me point out one thing: selecting the easiest job has a lot in common with determining the color of grass . . . Your neighbor’s is always greener. I mean, after all, who really thinks that they have the easiest job? Don’t we all harbor thoughts that the guy or gal next door has a sinecure?
They probably leave for work later than we do, come home earlier (looking refreshed!), and make more money. (Oh yes, for the purposes of this argument, money isn’t considered.
If we factored in salary, physicians would win hands down and that wouldn’t be any fun.) O.K., so now that we have all of the criteria and cautions, what is the easiest job?
After much research, here is a list of the five easiest jobs, in order, leading to the all-time cush position. Fifth runner-up: toll taker on a bridge.
At two dinners we were unanimous on this one. Imagine sitting or leaning, doing nothing but collecting coins from passing cars while you listen to the radio and gaze over the rolling river. Sure it’d be cold in the winter, but that’s why it’s only number 5! Fourth runner-up: elevator operator on an automatic elevator.
This has many of the characteristics of the toll taker, but you wouldn’t have the nice view which makes it a bit harder.
Besides, you’d get tired of saying “good morning” and making idle chit-chat between floors. Third runner-up: attorney-at-law. I’m still not sure what these guys do other than talk to one another and collect fees whether they win or lose.
This is easier than the elevator operator because attorneys don’t have to bother with idle chatter or being polite. Second runner-up: St. Louis Alderman.
These guys and gals do what the lawyers do, only people buy them free drinks. They’re not really required to pass any legislation or do anything (Arnold, Missouri, had cable television before St. Louis, for example) other than kiss babies, make a few public pronouncements, and show up semi-sober every so often. First runner-up: tenured professor. True story: A tenured professor friend of mine and I were talking about jogging together. (Both being of the endomorph variety, we thought we’d provide comfort for one another in our plodding pace.) He asked if I’d like to meet him to run after work in the “late afternoon.” “Sure,” I replied, “when exactly do you mean?” His response was, “Oh, four or four-thirty.” Enough said. THE EASIEST JOB: **“Wheel of Fortune’s” Vana White.** If you’ve ever seen this show you know what I mean.
All she, Vana, does is stand, smile; clap, and, well, stand, smile, and clap. That’s it, honest!
She could have an I.Q. of 45 for all we know (in fact, if you’ve seen the show more than once or twice, you could have an I.Q. of 45 for all we know).
Her job is like a combination alderman-tenured professor, only it doesn’t have the disadvantages of either: she doesn’t have to kiss babies and her six half-hours per week are even a bit less than our tenured friends. “Well,” as Ed McMahon would say, “there you have it.” That’s the definitive list of easy jobs. I’ve left off jobs that are only pretty easy (like cashier at an automated gas station or any union official’s job). But, in the spirit of stimulating a dialogue and hearing others’ perspectives, however screwy they may be, In Your Ear welcomes your thoughts about the easiest job. That’s right, here’s your turn to identify some neighbor’s grass! Simple fill in the form below and return it by October 15.
The three responses judged to be the “most original” will receive a $10 gift certificate for Redel’s Restaurant at DeBaliviere and Pershing.
All decisions of the judge are final and neatness counts.
Name phone Address zip Dear Tom, I think that the easiest job is a because: Return this form by October 15 to IN YOUR EAR 6106 Kingsbury St. Louis, MO 63112
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, September 1986.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1986_09.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
