Original printed byline: Hawkeye Z. Hoerr
Historical November–December 2014 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
What’s more broken, the Rams football team, the City’s snow removal program when more than three inches falls, or our federal democratic system?
My bias is politics. Chances are that the L.A. Rams will make it to the Super Bowl before we have a reasonable congress. What’s going on? Is our democratic system broken because of (a) our pathetic voter turnout — it was 58.2% in the last national election, or (b) because of the caliber of people who run for office, or (c) the quality of candidates we elect, or (d) all of the above? Yep, it’s (d). That’s pretty sad. Bring back Ross Perot. (And what does it say that I consider HIM a reasonable candidate?) So, as a community service, In Your Ear will solve this problem. Yep, I will fix our democratic system.
Here are five ways to keep democracy, yet tidy and tighten the system. I’ve been channeling both Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin, and they approve. (They’re on the History Channel, right after Pickers and before the duck call guys.) Take notes! Solution #1: Forget voting booths and requiring people to get out of their pajamas and trek to the polls. Make at-home voting — no photo ID required! — pure and simple.
If Amazon can sell me books and clothes and hearing aid batteries (size 10, please) without being confused, how hard can it be to offer on-line voting? “You’ve got mail” becomes “You’ve got ballot.” Those people who still listen to vinyl records can go to the library and log-in there. Solution #2: Forget registering voters. Realistically, our problem is not that too many people want to vote so why have an extra hurdle like registration? Instead of requiring irrelevant information like identity or asking for a picture, we should be encouraging everyone to vote.
After all, it would be hard for even the most ignorant population to make worse decisions than our present legislators. So instead of bothering to determine eligibility, tie each vote to a pastry. Every glazed donut purchased at Dunkin’ Donuts equals one vote. There’s no issue with who gets to vote, hanging chads, or when the polling place opens. Further, if you had to pick a criterion for who should get to decide important issues, I’d put my money with people who eat glazed donuts rather than who has what degree or went to school where. (Plus this would be good for my Dunkin’ Donuts stock.) Solution #3: Only women get to vote. Sorry, guys, and apologies to T.J. and the rest of the white, male founders. Women almost always make better decisions than men so we guys should get out of the way.
If the women were in charge, do you think we’d have barraged into the Middle East? Would 20% of our children live in poverty?
I think not. Case closed. (Relax guys, you get the NFL.) Solution #4: Turn the process upside-down by, drum roll, getting really good candidates. Democracy would work if we had bright, honest, caring, hard-working people running for office and who would work to find solutions if elected. OK, sorry, it’s not fair to throw out such an unrealistic idea, I know. Forget this one. Let’s go to the donut store. Solution #5. Let me decide. We’d still have a democracy because people would get to vote, but their votes wouldn’t matter because I’d be making all of the important decisions. I’d let them think their vote matters by giving them the small decisions, things like taxes and health care and abortion. You got to keep folks happy, says the king.
But I’d make the big ones from behind the curtain, such as if we should build a new football stadium and whether or not to have a snow day. See how easy that was? Next month I’ll offer solutions for health care and the Missouri Lottery.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, November–December 2014.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2014_11.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
