Historical February–March 2024 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
October 24, 2027 FROM: Warden Horace C. Williams, Federal Penitentiary, Florence, CO TO: Prisoner Donald J. Trump Prisoner #241000936547 Prisoner Trump, I begin this correspondence as I have begun each of my previous responses to your repeated entreaties by again noting that you will receive no special treatment at this Federal Prison.
In each of your letters to me, all fourteen of them, you state that “The Apprentice” was the highest rated television show of all time (no, it wasn’t) and that you received more votes that President Biden in 2020 and 2024 (no, you didn’t, either time).
But again, even if your facts were accurate, they are not relevant. You are here because you were convicted by a jury of your peers and sentenced by a U.S. Federal Judge. Once again, it does not matter that the judge made donations to Pete Buttigieg’s campaign.
But just as your previous life does not benefit you here, it should not penalize you either.
The Florence, CO Federal Penitentiary is a fair place so I will kindly respond to each of the points you raised in your letter. Yes, you may be correct that Donald J. Trump has no real peers, but that does not mean that you cannot be found guilty and sentenced by a jury of your peers, as you were. You may recall that the judge laughed when your attorney said that all jurors should be chosen from the Mar-A-Lago membership list. No, I will not require the guards to refer to you as Still President Trump or, even, Should Be President Trump. No, you cannot wear a blue suit and a too-long red tie.
It doesn’t matter that you feel the horizontal stripes on your uniform are not flattering to you. No, you cannot have lunch and dinner delivered from McDonald’s. You are correct that DoorDash makes deliveries here each day, but those are for staff members. No, even though you have offered to have the letters made and mounted, you cannot have TRUMP HQ sign placed over the door to your cell. No, you cannot have prisoner Giuliani’s cell located next to yours.
In fact, Mr. Giuliani requested not to be next to you. No, you cannot move to a different cell.
I understand that you may be embarrassed by your cell being sandwiched between financial cheat Bernie Madoff and Russian spy Robert Hanssen since neither appeared on “The Apprentice,” but they have told me they are embarrassed to be next to you. No, I am confident of our record keeping and you are wrong. Neither Madonna nor Taylor Swift has requested to visit. No, Hunter Biden’s cell does not have a larger television screen. No, you cannot use the equipment in the Florence Penitentiary Media Center to revive “The Apprentice.” No, you cannot use the equipment in the Florence Penitentiary Media Center to film a new series, “Witch Hunt,” despite you saying that Elizabeth
Montgomery’s heirs offered you the props from “Bewitched.” No, neither hair dye nor hair gel are permitted in your cell despite your threat to continue using lunchroom food to shape your hair.
Finally, since you and I will be interacting for a long time – my retirement is not until 2031 and your sentence runs a decade longer than that (and your track record does not suggest that time off for good behavior will be a consideration) – I must note the importance of courtesy in a Maximum Security setting. Your inability to pardon others from federal crimes does not preclude you from saying “Pardon me” when you bump up against another prisoner or loudly belch.
Most recently, the bumping happened last Monday when you were in line to receive crayons.
I am told that you pushed and shoved to get all of the red crayons. And for the loud belching, did you really say, “I’m the best belcher in the world! Bilden can’t belch like me and neither can Hillary!”? Indeed, Prisoner Trump, your rudeness has been mentioned to me a few times.
I received a petition signed by the other prisoners in Block D because they were unhappy that your screaming “Witch Hunt, Witch Hunt” during the showing of The Wizard of Oz caused us to stop showing the film. Likewise, when you kept chanting “Lock Her Up” during the showing of “Barbie,” it caused us to stop that movie too. Our prisoners look forward to Movie Night, so your inappropriate behavior may cause you to miss seeing the films. Since you have already lost your right to exercise in the courtyard – why did you feel you were the only one on your team who could shoot the basketball? – I hope you maintain your movie night eligibility.
I suspect you will want to see “All the President’s Men” and “Evita Goes to Jail.” Sleep well, Inmate Trump, and know that the federal government is protecting you from yourself. It’s not an easy job.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, February–March 2024.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Archival transcription note: Stray printed r application to HSHK fragment after ending repeats prior issue college essay ending; excluded as layout artifact and documented, not invented ending.
Original source: SD_Times2024_02.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
