Historical February–March 2023 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Where did you put your keys? And what’s the name of your cousin’s third wife? Or is she his fourth wife?
If you’re like me, your quick recall of facts is neither as quick nor as accurate as it used to be. It’s good to get older, it sure beats the alternative, but along with that comes, let me see, where was I going with that thought? Oh yeah, my hairline, eyesight, and memory are all fading. Thank goodness my plaid, bellbottom pants remain a vibrant shade of green. Does this experience ring a bell with you? Do you even know where you placed your bell?!? (Hint: It’s near the clapper, next to your keys.) Now some of you may be thinking, “What has gotten into Hawkeye? What a downer topic for his column! Where’s the mirth?” Good point, Hazel.
But my other choice was to write about the state of the Republican party, and I figure this topic is less painful.
As always, Hawkeye writes as a public service.
As noted, I note notably, sooner or later, hopefully later, our oncesharp memory will begin to cross the road with the chicken.
But relax and stop looking for those keys. We’re not helpless, folks.
Here are six steps to push against the inexorable grasp of Mother Time. Hawkeye guarantees that these strategies will keep you mentally b-lert, and just maybe you’ll do even better and become mentally a-lert. (Get it?) Yes, he guarantees!
If you try these tactics and still feel you are forgetting too much, or even forgetting one much, email his cousin at trhoerr@aol. com, and he will refund twice the cost of this newspaper. Put on your thinking caps (or thinking small letters, if you prefer) and begin to cogitate these ideas to keep your straying memory in the back yard. Too much sleep can hurt! Researchers found that sleeping more than eight hours increases memory, um, er, oh yeah, memory loss by 69%. Wow. That’s a lot of missing keys.
This finding runs against conventional wisdom and conventional pillows. So, the message is stay up later than late.
After you watch Stephen Colbert, stay awake for Dancing With the Stars and its sequel, Dancing With the Galaxies, and then watch a tear-jerker on the Hallmark channel before you tune in to re-runs of Friends. Don’t wear a helmet. There’s a sure remedy for failing to remember what you remembered because you are getting older. Gulp a few high alcohol drinks, hop on a motorcycle, and zip down Delmar without wearing a helmet. Statistically it’s only a matter of time before the issue of your fading memory will be moot. Eat baloney sandwiches for breakfast. Truly, I know this works because several good friends of mine, good old friends, did this when we, I mean they, were kids, and today they are still as sharp as they were then. Of course, all things are relative (and these were not my relatives!) so sharpness is a value judgment. Back then they thought the Earth was flat and today they think Trump won the election. Oh well. And to make that baloney sandwich even tastier, add hunks of ketchup and then put potato chips between the bread and “meat” (note those quotes) and press before munching. Adding a Hershey bar dipped in marshmallow sauce would complete the meal. Stay physically active. Or maybe it should be Get physically active.
A valid study (I read it on the Internet) shows that working out, choosing to sweat and hurt, keeps people sharp. That idea is foreign to me as I sit on my couch and eat potatoes, but there must be a positive relationship between high pain and deep memory. Maybe it’s the grimacing?
But all is not lost! Get this, the study also says that doing common housework also helps keep your memory strong. No, it’s not as good as arduously working out but the grimaces aren’t as deep either. Vacuuming sucks but it’s the better of these two options. Read away right away. Reading is often cited as a habit that good for the brain because it keeps those brain circuits a-firing. KA-POW!
But let’s be creative and increase the firing rate. Instead of merely reading, close one eye so that the other eye works double-time. Sure, it may slow your reading pace, but if my math is correct, you’ll get twice the brain activity. Or use both eyes but read while standing on your head with The Kingston Trio as background music. Any of these actions will tax your brain and it will become stronger in responding to the cacophony of stimuli.
As an alternative, read aloud George W. Bush’s book, Lofty Thoughts From An Ex-President; that, too, will tax your brain.
A lot. Make a point of.
I mean, try to. Geez, I forget where I was heading, what was my last point, anyway? Quick, will someone fix a baloney sandwich for me? Where’s my clapper?
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, February–March 2023.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2023_02.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
