Historical November–December 2024 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Rapamycin is a wonder drug!
As described in the 9/25/24 NYT article (yep, Google it!), Rapamycin was originally designed to suppress the immune systems of organ transplant recipients, thus facilitating bodies accepting the new piece of hardware.
But there’s more! Many scientists say “it can delay aging and agerelated diseases.” Holy cow!
The article further notes that people who have taken the drug have felt more energetic, lost weight, increased their bone density, and regrew dark hair after growing gray.” Double holy cow! Of course, those of you who know me must be thinking, “But why is this relevant to you, Hawkeye? You are so youthful.” Well, not that I’m growing older, but, ahem, I do find myself moving more slowly than I did in my youth (and I didn’t move quickly then).
It takes my body longer to recover from bruises and bumps, yet it responds more quickly to chocolates and gin. (Perhaps that’s partially due to increased volumes of chocolates and gin, but that’s a topic for another column.) The hair that used to be on the top of my head is now on the bottom of my chin and my memory is, wait, where was I going with that sentence? So yeah, I’m getting older. Well, old age is better than the alternative, and now there is Rapamycin. Triple holy cow!
The drug is still experimental so you cannot get it at Walgreen’s.
However, a good buddy of mine, Rocket Ralph, stocks it along with other nostrums in his shop on Delmar, so a few weeks ago I was able to buy a package. Rapamycin and Diet Dr. Pepper became my go-to jolt before bedtime.
The initial results were so positive – every morning I sprung from bed and imitated Fred Astaire, dancing as I brushed my teeth – that I doubled the dose.
I mean, young is good but younger is better, right?
The first two weeks of Rapamycin were remarkable. Every day I felt better and could do something from my youth.
I began beating John regularly in basketball and was hardly sweating at the end of our 6:30am games.
I began carrying the groceries up the stairs instead of letting my wife to it (she was not disappointed, much to my surprise).
I could actually tell time by looking at my wristwatch, not waiting to see the digital display on my phone.
I began yearning for the music of Frank Sinatra and Patsy Cline.
The positive impact of Rapamycin was obvious, thanks, Ralph, but ever the scientist, I wondered how well Rapamycin would work with other mammals. Mixing the pills in their food, I gave Rapamycin to our dogs, C.J. and Callie. Immediately they began acting like puppies, filled with energy and barking incessantly. It’s a good thing that I was energetic enough to keep up with them. Oddly, they each seemed to forget that they were housebroken and I found myself picking up after many dog accidents.
It was OK, though, because bending was easy, almost fun. Ever the scientist – did I already say that? – I decided to find
out all of the places where Rapamycin would work. What about birds? Thanks to my now youth, I spent two hours in the yard running and jumping but was unable to catch a bird.
I wound up throwing a pill at a bird in the hope that she/he/it would eat it, but no luck.
The bird just flew away.
However, later that week later I noted that the tree near where the pill landed had begun to flower again even though it’s fall.
The leaves on all of the other trees were turning brown but this one has new, bright green leaves. What’s going on?
It was such a treat to listen to Elvis and The Kingston Trio that I felt a real urge to watch some of the old TV shows that I enjoyed so much on our black & white screen.
After searching through a third-floor closet – by the way, I sprinted up the stairs, followed by our two puppies, I mean dogs – I found a treasure trove, a box of videotapes of TV programs from the 70’s. Luckily, next to this box was an old VCR player, covered with dust so I could watch the tapes. Who says I’m not organized? Anyway, I plugged in the VCR player, but Callie, one of our dogs, barked to let me know that she needed to go outside. Because the dogs are relearning this skill, I didn’t want her to have to wait. So I sat my package of pills on the VCR and sprinted down the stairs so she could do her job in the back yard.
After she did her business, just for the fun of it, feeling younger than ever, I ran up the steps backwards, humming a Beach Boys tune.
But when I returned to the VCR, I saw that it had become a DVD player with the package of pills still on top.
But the DVD player was new and not a bit dusty. What? How can this be? Apparently, Rapamycin is so powerful that its ability to return to the past is not limited to living things. Holy herd of cows!
My youthful mind pondered how to use the knowledge of what these pills can do, and then it dawned on me.
I am a big Kamala Harris supporter and I have no doubt she will win, but my favorite prez is FDR, so this November, I’m taking the pills into the voting booth. Yep, I will vote for Franklin D. Roosevelt for president.
I can hear the melody, Happy Days Are Here Again!
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, November–December 2024.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2024_11.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
