Original printed byline: Hawkeye Z. Hoerr
Historical Summer 2011 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Scrambled eggs, a glazed donut, a Hershey bar, two cups of coffee, a fine cigar, and ice cream for dessert; that’s what I had for breakfast today. You see, it’s May 21, 2011 as I type, and this is the final day. Yep, it’s Rapture Day. By 6pm today, it’s all over. Or, if you’re a believer, it’s all started. Today is the beginning of the end of the world.
This is big stuff, bigger than the fall of the Berlin Wall or even the O.J. trial. Since there are only a few hours left, why should I worry about healthy eating?
The Hershey’s chocolate was even better on the eggs than I could have imagined. And the cigar was heaven, no pun intended.
As I listen to my clock’s tick-tock count down, I’m no longer worried about the value of my 401K or my overdue library books. Of course, you won’t get to read this column so I’ll ignore spell check.
I mean, we’ll all be history by the time this erudite column is actually published so why brother? (Sea what I mean abogut spill check?) Today being the Rapture isn’t just my imagination. No siree, what I’m saying is based on seasoned judgment, not just Hawkeye’s opinion!
A minister and radio host, Harold Camping, has announced that today is Judgment Day.
The cynics among you may think that this is just a fabricated date – like Valentine’s Day or the Super Bowl, but that is not the case. Camping has calculated and actually counted.
I bet you didn’t know, for example, that the Great Flood was 7,000 years ago. Exactly 7,000 years ago, to the day, was when Noah shut the door and cast off upon the waters, making sure that he had two of everything. Given that there was water everywhere, it was essential that Noah be a good sailor, and he was. Unfortunately, though, Noah was not the most organized person in the world.
There also was not an Organized Living franchise in the Middle East at the time (the closest was in Nebraska which really hadn’t been discovered yet, so sales there were quite poor and it went out of business until later discovered by the Mormons) to counter his disorganization.
As a result of Noah’s lack of planning, there were more species waiting to board the Ark than actually made it when he shoved off.
To be fair, it was raining like crazy and the waters were rising faster than River Des Peres in a thunderstorm.
We have to give Noah credit for making sure that there were two mosquitoes, two ringworms, and two cobras. Of course, those species that didn’t make it on to the ark are no more. Unicorns and compassionate Republicans, for example, were unable to board, and that’s why you only see them in fantasy books today. Minister Camping says, “On Judgment Day, May 21st, 2011, this 5-month period of horrible torment will begin for all the inhabitants of the earth.
It will be on May 21st that God will raise up all the dead that have ever died from their graves.” On one hand I’m excited at the prospect of seeing Abe Lincoln, Cleopatra, and Babe Ruth.
On the other hand, what will they look like? What it, gasp, it turns out that Lincoln is a Tea Party backer? What if the tallest president wants to play in the NBA? Camping quotes the bible in talking about earthquakes and floods happening just before Judgment Day. Well, to be fair, that’s pretty current and on-target.
He must know what he’s talking about.
I wonder if he has any quotes about nuclear melt-downs? Knowing that the end is near makes me wonder what’s next. Is the good afterlife like being in a continual re-run of a situation comedy? Are we stuck next to Fonze in “Happy Days,” forever hitting the juke box? Or is arriving in Heaven like being a permanent guest on Oprah?
Then there’s the other world, down under (and I don’t mean Australia). What’s eternity like for those of us who have fallen short? Is it perpetually shoveling coal into the unquenched fire, always sweating and being thirsty and sunburned? Or is it like being in the dentist’s chair forever, hearing the drill grinding away in your mouth with no Novocain? Worse, is hell being forced to listen to Rush Limbaugh for hour after hour and day after day? Maybe if you look closely, it turns out that the people shoveling the coal are all wearing earphones that are tuned to Rush! Gasp, a double hell awaits me!
But if you’re reading this, then my hunch is correct. Despite the dire predictions and associated hoopla, May 21, 2011 ain’t the end of much other than May 21, 2011.
It was a good excuse for a wonderful breakfast, but that’s about it.
We need not worry about the Rapture happening today.
We can continue to do foolish things – going to the casino, chain-smoking, and voting Republican – because the end isn’t near yet. Granted, the end is just around the corner but we don’t know which corner it is. It’s some corner, but that’s not particularly helpful. And what happens once we turn that corner? Alas, despite all of our wishing, no one really knows.
But why not assume that something is beyond these shores?
If we’re wrong, what have we lost other than thousands of years of hopes, aspirations, prayers, paeans, blessings, and offerings? And if we’re right, an eternity of chocolate without calories awaits us. It’s all about probability, so let’s lean toward the maybe column. Maybe something good awaits us around that corner!
But what should we do to make the right turn?
My readers want to know! OK, trusty reader, here are the seven rules to increase the likelihood that your May 21, 2011 will turn out fine whenever it happens. 1) Be good to your mom. 2) Adopt a stray. 3) Don’t say unkind things about others unless they really deserve it. 4) Support NPR pledge week. 5) Think good thoughts. 6) Don’t eat mammals – you are one! 7) Vote Democratic. I’d like to go into a bit more detail about the big seven but I want to cover my bases.
I mean, this is May 21, 2011 and while I don’t think it really means anything, I want to be prepared just in case. I’ve always worked hard, adopted strays, been good to my mom, voted Democratic, and I don’t eat meat, so I figure I’m covered. I’m going to pack now so that I’m ready when the clouds part at 6 pm and Mick Jagger begins to sing “You can’t always get what you want…” First in the suitcase goes my Kindle; I have to have an eternity’s worth of reading, then my cigars, and then my work-out shoes.
I hope Noah has a treadmill on the ark. I’ll see you around the corner!
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, Summer 2011.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2011_05.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
