Original printed byline: Hawkeye Z. Hoerr
Historical February–March 2011 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Can dogs think? OK, that’s a bad question.
We know that dogs can think.
I mean, just about everything thinks.
To be fair, dear reader, some things don’t think: amoeba, rocks, and Republicans. Amoeba doesn’t think; they just do. Rocks don’t think; they just are. Republicans don’t think; they just hoard.
But back to dogs. Dogs do think.
We know that because they listen, occasionally respond, and sometimes initiate. There’s typically a basic repertoire of what dogs routinely do, often while on their routine. That is, if a dog wants to go out in the morning to administer to basic body functions, it’s pretty simple.
The dog awakens its owner by barking, nuzzling, scratching, or demonstrating some otherwise agitated behavior. Rocks don’t want to go out; they are out. And rocks don’t want to go in, so rocks don’t bark, nuzzle, scratch, or act agitated. Rocks remain steady (yep, as in steady like a you-know-what). Amoebas don’t do anything; they’re in, they’re out, they’re everywhere. And since they’re everywhere, they don’t need to try to signal. Those Republicans, however, fall closer on the continuum to dogs than rocks. Republicans are in, but they want you out. So they bark, scratch, and act agitated to keep you on the outside. You may not hear a bark, of course, but that’s because it will be disguised. Our nation is facing an incredible financial deficit, for example, yet the Republicans want to keep tax cuts in place for the very wealthy. Does this make any real sense? No. Is this an effort to further the hoarding of wealth? Yes. Arf! Sorry for the digression here, dear reader.
This month’s topic truly is dogs’ thinking, but the Republicans keep getting in the way. That’s particularly odd, since dogs often evidence more thinking than Republicans.
I think my muddled confusion (how’s that for redundant?) stems from the fact that dogs and Republicans do, in fact, have lots in common.
First, dogs and Republicans are similar because they are both loveable. Sure, they each can test our patience – You did that on the rug??? (sometimes said to dogs too) – and they each have a mind of their own, but by and large they both bring charm to our households. Who wouldn’t want a Sarah Palin Pomeranian, a Newt Gingrich Great Dane, or a Mitch McConnell Mutt in the backyard?
If you had any of those pooches, you sure wouldn’t need a burglar alarm. Second, dogs and Republicans are similar because they are so pure. Even when they’re loveable, they’re always and only focused on their own benefit.
When is the last time that a dog willingly gave one of his bones to another dog? Have you ever seen a dog step aside and give a bit more of her dinner to another dog because she knew that the other dog was hungrier or needier?
I have two dogs, Casper and Shadow, and while they get along reasonably well, neither is particularly charitable toward the other.
If I’m taking them somewhere in the car and they’re both in the back seat, whichever dog gets in first will take up as much space as possible, leaving the second dog to fend for himself and survive on left-over space. Doesn’t this sound like the way a Republican would behave? Dogs are pure because they want what is good for them, pure and simple. They’re appreciative and friendly, and you might even want to vote for one, but make no mistake: The dog is only interested in what is good for the dog. Sorry, I digress! Let me return to the true question: WHAT do dogs think? Inquiring minds want to know, and so do ours.
In preparation for this column, I did a little research.
I stopped four dogs on the street and interviewed them.
To be fair, this was not a random selection.
The four interviewed dogs were Midwestern, middle-aged in dog years, and all leashed. Three of the dogs were short-hair, and one barked with a bit of a southern accent.
My questions were basic, but designed to ascertain what dogs think.
I asked them each three questions: 1. What is your favorite treat? 2. What time of day do you like to walk? 3. What is your hope for the future?
Here are their answers: 1. Three dogs prefer PAC donations and one likes being endorsed by the Tea Party. 2.
All said that they don’t have a preference for when they walk, but that they like to walk on the downtrodden. 3. One hopes for dog cookies before every meal, and table scraps. Two hope for Obama not to be elected in 2012, regardless of what this might mean for the country. One hopes for all taxes to be paid by people earning less than $100,000 per year.
I think that says it all. Next month I’ll interview four rocks and see how their answers differ (if, in fact, they do).
In the meantime, arf!
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, February–March 2011.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2011_02.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
