Historical February–March 2004 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Hello, darkness, my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again. So begins Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Sounds of Silence.” We all have our darkness, of course. Simon and Garfunkel, poets that they are, refer to words unsaid and messages undelivered.
This is inevitable, flawed beings that we are. Looking back we can see the roads we should have taken, the times we should have stopped and the times we should have continued.
But that’s life in the real world.
We don’t all have the opportunity to rescue the bride from her wedding ceremony, hop on a bus, and escape to another future. For that matter, we aren’t all Dustin Hoffman.
In the naked light I saw 10,000 people, maybe more, people talking without speaking, people hearing without listening people writing songs that voices never shared, no one cared.
The tragedy of communication, of course, is what Simon and Garfunkel are describing with their lyrics. More accurately, they are describing a lack of communication; hence the sounds of silence.
This stochastic communication is endemic to human nature; like sneezes and belches, it will remain with us. Sure, there are remedies, Andrew Carnegie’s “How To Win Friends And Influence People” remains a bestseller scores of years after its initial publishing. You can also pay thousands of dollars to see your personal shrink on a regular basis. Or you can be digitally together and tap into one of the sites designed for this. Try www.yourshrink.com or www.listentome.com or, my favorite www.advicefromhawkeye.com. Trust me, any of these will offer the succor you need.
However, if these strategies don’t float your boat – if you still are upset with Carnegie’s monopolistic attitudes, public libraries notwithstanding, if you find paying money to have someone listen to you talk to be a bit disquieting, and if you’re not cyberconnected, I have the solution for you. Yes, once again, IN YOUR EAR, as a community service, offers a bit of help to its loyal readers (and to you not-so-loyal types too). And this comes in your free neighborhood newspaper, no less. Is this a great country or what?
Here goes.
After much research (which included spending untold hours eavesdropping in Kayak’s Coffee and numerous emails to/from Michael Jackson’s attorney), I have definitively come up with the twenty statements that are integral to any relationship.
These twenty, when used correctly, will ensure that any relationship will last and flourish. Dr. Hawkeye’s suggestion is that both parties (all parties?) to a relationship commit these statements/phrases/comments to memory. Then, as shorthand, for example, instead of saying “For the third time, will you take out the trash?” all one need utter is “#11.” The recipient will hear “numbereleven” and recognize the request, and the patient and loving tones therein, and immediately spring to feets to take out the trash. (Thank you, Dr. Pavlov.) Yes, it will take some work to memorize these twenty terms. Disaster could ensure if one confused #5 and #9, for example. Dr. Hawkeye’s suggestion is that the list be prominently featured throughout the house: on the refrigerator door, on the inside of the front and back doors, on the television screen, inside the medicine cabinet, on the Nordic Track, next to the still, over the hamster’s cage, on the inside of the never-lit fireplace, in the automobile glove compartment, and on top of the computer monitor. Here, then, fanfare, are the thirteen statements which will make your life easier, trim your waistline, and forever remove the sounds of silence. 1. Don’t be so defensive.
I was just kidding. 2. How in the world did you come up with that conclusion? 3. Will you take out the trash? 4. For the second time, will you take out the trash? 5. No, that outfit doesn’t make you look fat. 6. What time does the game start? 7.
I bet they’re not as happy as they seem. 8. Why do you always get to decide? 9. No, that outfit doesn’t make you look skinny. 10. It’s only money. 11. For the third time, will you take out the trash? 12. Can this wait until a commercial? 13. I’m sorry, that wasn’t what I meant. 14. Move to your left, please, so I can see all of the television screen 15. Move to your right, please, so I can see all of the television screen. 16.
It seemed like a good idea at the time. 17.
He can’t really be that dumb; after all, he is the president! 18. Well, I didn’t vote for him. 19.
I already tried that and it doesn’t work. 20. Is it microwaveable? So there you have them, the twenty statements that are integral to any healthy relationship. Use them often and use them wisely.
After all, the alternatives are listening to The Sounds of Silence or visiting www.whatswrongwitheveryoneelse.com. And if all else fails, here’s a bonus to regular readers only: #21, What?
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, February–March 2004.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Archival transcription note: Source announces twenty statements, then says thirteen before listing twenty. Printed inconsistency retained.
Original source: SD_Times2004_02.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
