Historical Fall 2001 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
It started with my watching Gladiator on the tube for the fourth time.
There was Russell Crowe, in all his glory, fighting left and right, blood spilling and the crowd cheering.
I knocked over my popcorn while rooting for him. “Gosh,” I thought, while pulling the kernels from the shag carpeting, “I’ve seen this before, but where?” Then it dawned on me. Of course! Gladiator is nothing more than a re-make, and not a terribly good one at that, of Rocky III.
Now mind you, I’m biased.
I consider the Rocky series high art. Those flicks had it all: a battered hero, rags to riches, sweat, blood, the good guy triumphing (other than in Rocky I). more sweat and blood, and even a love interest. Honestly, the only thing that comes close to them are the any of the films featuring Inspector Closeau. (Or anything with Meg Ryan, but that’s another story.) But why? What is the attraction of the Rocky series? Sylvester Stallone will never be confused with the great actors of our era – Rock Hudson. Mel Gibson, or Buddy Epson – and while the musical score is great background while jogging or doing your taxes, it really doesn’t contribute much.
The heroine? Gosh, I can’t even remember her face, much less her name.
Then it dawned on me.
The Rocky series captures our imagination, grabs our viscerals, pounds in our heads because it addresses the one constant of humanity. That’s right, sport. Whether it’s the soccer field or basketball court, the ice rink or swimming pool, sport simplifies life.
There are rules, there are winners, there are losers.
We might complain about the ump, but life doesn’t get much clearer than in an athletic competition.
Some folks think that sport requires a ball. Unless a sphere is put into play, it ain’t a sport.
In a word, they’re wrong.
While most sports do revolve around a ball, that’s not necessary. What is necessary is some semblance of rules, a way of keeping score, and a clear-cut criterion for determining who wins and who loses. Gosh, it sounds a lot like dating. OK, so we’ve established that sport is integral to human nature. produces good character and strong citizens, lowers the crime rate. attracts tourists, creates community good will. and adds to the tax base.
There is simply no doubt that sport is good for the quality of life in our community and even better when played in a new stadium. (To be fair, you haven’t missed something in my preceding paragraphs.
In fact, I didn’t establish these things at all.
It came from a press release sent by the baseball Cardinals in support of their new taxpayer-funded temple, I mean stadium.) As should be obvious by now, I am most knowledgeable about sports. Having spent much of my youth playing them, reading about them, talking about them, watching them, and dreaming about them, I know sports left and right, first and third, port and starboard, birdie and ace. (Knowing, unfortunately, doesn’t equate with playing, but that’s a story for another time.) Given that my body is aging, given that things hurt in the morning that I didn’t even know I had when I went to bed the night before, I find myself relegated to being a sports afficionado rather than a sports participant.
With time on my hands, I’ve ruminated on sports.
After many hours of pondering their attraction, I’ve come up with something pretty exciting and relevant: a hierarchy of sports. Yep, consider this your holiday present, dear reader. I’ve ranked all the major sports, low to high, on the CRASH scale (the Continuum of Reliable Attractiveness. Sophistication, and Heartrate). Every important sport is rated on its political acceptance. Hawkeye’s CRASH Scale (in ascending order) LOW political acceptance • cock fighting • car racing • dogs chasing phony rabbits • World Wrestling Federation • rugby • boxing • archery • hockey • shotput • darts • lacrosse • speed White Castle eating • tug-of-war • Twister • soccer • attending a Bee Gees concert • swimming • football • horse racing • selling gift-wrap • hopscotch • diving • selling candies at Skinker & Milbrook • jeopardy • figure skating • long-distance running • hide & seek • track • synchronized swimming • flying a kite • baseball with a designated hitter • ping-pong • tennis • badminton • sky diving • football wearing helmets • volleyball • diving into water • field hockey • figure skating • flying a kite outdoors • basketball • dodge ball • baseball without a designated hitter • synchronized Twister • gymnastics • chess • Steal the Bacon • the Electoral College HIGH political acceptance Not listed because they really aren’t sport: golf, bowling, origami, cards, and bicycling. So, whaddya think? Does your ranking agree with mine? Do you have some sports that I’ve neglected? I’m right and you’re wrong, but I’d be interested in your 3 cents anyway. Send your Sports Ranking to me, Hawkeye, at trhoerr@AOL.com. Entries will be considered the property of The Times of SkinkerDeBalivere.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, Fall 2001.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2001_09.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
